tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22304311919736072732024-03-13T00:04:57.269-03:00Platitude Paradiseplatitude ... a trite, meaningless, biased or prosaic statement that is presented as if it were significant and original.Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.comBlogger299125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-33306425353183944392023-07-20T14:56:00.001-03:002023-07-20T15:02:22.338-03:00From One Mother, to Another(Written Nov 29, 2022 ~ Still relevant... picking up July 20, 2023) <div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>It's been a while. </div><div><br /></div><div>I mean... I've typed out a whole bunch of words... over and over again... but I've been so stuck. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had a meeting with one of the executives I support in my current position this morning. She was telling me that she's leaving the company. </div><div><br /></div><div>She's an amazing woman. Her credentials and education are so far beyond impressive, I can't even describe... but today, she said that she was going to take a beat before moving into a new role... and spend some time with her kids. </div><div><br /></div><div>She has two and they're young. </div><div><br /></div><div>Her comment was that (I'm never going to get the wording right on this) she isn't the 'kind of mom that I am'. That she isn't 'there' to put them to bed and she isn't 'involved' in their day to day like I am. That her mother recently reminded her of the fact that they grow up... 'with or without you'. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have a great deal of respect for this woman, I truly do... and to have her lay down a compliment like that to me was beyond moving. </div><div><br /></div><div>After ending the video conference, I cried. </div><div><br /></div><div>...because she's leaving and I'm losing her. </div><div><br /></div><div>...because she's the heart of the organization and we're losing her. </div><div><br /></div><div>...because she recognizes the sacrifice it takes to be connected to her progeny... and <i><b>having</b></i> it all, means <i><b>doing</b></i> it all... and it is fucking exhausting... and thankless... and necessary. </div><div><br /></div><div>It made me feel relevant. </div><div><br /></div><div>I haven't felt that in a very long time. </div><div><br /></div><div>The break down of my longest (and only remaining) friendship (with my bestie of more than 30 years) has lobbed off my metaphorical legs. I still have awful dreams about her. Accusing me of lies and incompetence... her words swirling around my skull. </div><div><br /></div><div>The demise of that relationship broke me in a place I'm not certain is repairable. I mean I did attend therapy to attempt getting over the effects of the experience, but I'm still very much broken. I don't believe in myself... have zero confidence in anything I do, say or think. I can't even fake it that well anymore. I'm a bloody mess! Everything is about me. Not because I feel important, but because I genuinely think there is a direct link between something I've done wrong, neglected or instigated, and every teeny nuance in my sphere. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>(July 20, 2023) </div><div><br /></div><div>As much as I enjoy being right, I wish I hadn't been about my previous mentor. She was the heart of that place and whether everybody else knows it or not, we lost something incredibly valuable with her. </div><div><br /></div><div>Happy to report that I'm not only still with the company, but I've been given a meatier role and the biggest raise I've ever gotten without changing positions all together. </div><div><br /></div><div>That was a pretty great feather for my cap... if only I was capable of accepting the positive nod... </div><div><br /></div><div>If only. </div><div><br /></div><div>I like my job and I'm really enjoying getting into the meat and potatoes of what we do. Specifically, I'm now involved with development of visual media. Movies, series, animation, anime. I mean, I'm not integral, but I'm part of paying screen writers and animators. Mind you, with Hollywood currently burning in the flames of strikes, it's been pretty quiet in everything except animation, but it gives me the time to really learn about what I'm doing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I also support most of the Studio leadership and manage company wide travel. I'm grateful for this job and hope I can keep it for a long time.</div><div><br /></div><div>There have been a number of health issues I've been battling. I didn't realize how damaging my being so severely anemic for so long was, but apparently I should've insisted on better treatment YEARS ago. It's likely what killed my gallbladder, what's been causing the brutality of my headaches and what has left me laying on my face in a puddle for the last five or six years! Jesus! How would you know? I trusted my doctor to take care of me... but she quit. Closed her practice. Now we have nothing for medical care.</div><div><br /></div><div>My oldest child, who is almost 21, is struggling terribly. They've recently withdrawn from a 2nd college without completing the course. They're not eating anywhere nearly enough to keep a bird alive (and this kid is 5'8" and not a small build) and weight continues to fall off the kid. There is measurable self harm being committed, and the only means the kid has to eat, sleep and even just 'exist' is to smoke pot... and trust me when I say, Stretch is smoking a metric shit-ton of pot! </div><div><br /></div><div>Last week, they had a panic attack so severe, I wound up putting them into a cold shower to calm down. My only other option was to call an ambulance... or maybe wait until they hyperventilated themselves unconscious... I really didn't want to face that alone. They've been throwing around suicidal thoughts (out loud) lately, too. My mind tells me Stretch wouldn't ever go through with something like that, but that part of my spine where I feel most of my 'mom instincts' isn't so certain. A woman I used to be very close with, who works in the medical field and is a fantastic mother, lost her youngest to suicide.</div><div><br /></div><div>I can't even imagine going through that. Though I get it... the way Stretch feels. Defeated. Terrified. Lonely. Unlikable. Pointless. Useless. </div><div><br /></div><div>Hopeless.</div><div><br /></div><div>I get it. I feel like this is it for me. That whatever happiness I was meant to have in this life is behind me, so really, what's the point of continuing? I know it's a dramatic statement, but I can assure you, it's embedded in my bone marrow right now.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have been trying to take a few minutes every morning before I get up and every night before I fall asleep to remind myself of the positives:</div><div><br /></div><div>*Our relative 'good' health... mental issues notwithstanding.</div><div><br /></div><div>*My job. </div><div><br /></div><div>*My youngest having graduated high school with highest honours, bursaries and a scholarship. She starts her BSc in Sept, which (at this stage) is pointing her toward a career in Neurobiology. I'm so very proud of her.</div><div><br /></div><div>*The kitties... all three of them. They bring me pretty much the only joy I experience regularly. Milo and Toots are still in kitten phase and they make me laugh all the time. I miss laughing so much. Plus, I love them dearly. When I provide care to them, they thrive. It's rewarding on a level I don't get to experience often anymore.</div><div><br /></div><div>*Our new place. We moved... again. I don't like the area we're in, but it's safe and I really like the house... plus I have a bathtub again. I never imagined how much my mental health gets from getting to soak in a tub a couple of times a week.</div><div><br /></div><div>*It would seem our previous landlady is about to run out of time to come after us for the bogus damage we allegedly caused her precious money pit. 14 days... that's how long she has to 'officially' file. Then she's S(hit)O(utta)L(uck). I know it was only a bluff on her side to try and scare us off after we won our case for overpaid rent, but what I don't think she realizes is that ours was done properly and she lost her appeal. That judgement is on the books. Hers isn't. Honestly, it's worth not getting the 8 grand she owes us just to never have to think about the crazy bitch again, but either way, she can't do anything after August 3.</div><div><br /></div><div>*My partner. We've managed to stay best friends for all these years. Just about 21 married and 24 together. Hard to imagine, really. But we're bored and limping and exhausted. Just getting a stiffy a time or two a week is a struggle... and I feel pretty strongly that's mostly due to pharmaceuticals and recreational 'medication'. </div><div><br /></div><div>I do try to mold my perspective to a positive one. I had been doing really well with scaling back booze and pot usage... but in the past few weeks, I've just lost my steam. I feel like I'm empty... there's just nothing left to prop myself up on. Nothing to look forward to, except maybe continuing to eek out a sad, broke, bored and unhealthy existence... if we're REALLY lucky. I look at the money we bring into this household every month and it boggles my mind that we are barely getting by... everything is so goddamned expensive in this bullshit, contrived post-Covid economy, there just doesn't seem to be any relief in sight. </div><div><br /></div><div>My future doesn't look terribly bright... even if we can maintain the status quo. I'm likely going to have to support my oldest until I die. I'm looking at my youngest with the only hope there is for the future. I believe she will succeed and have a meaningful life. My husband and I will likely both have to work until noon on our respective funeral days - not that it will matter much, it'll only be the surviving spouse and maybe our kids that attend... and we're getting older every day... it's coming for us at some point, so either I'll have to carry on without him, or he's going to have to do it without me. Either way, it's going to suck.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lately, I can't see above this insidious cloud of doom... even when I try really hard to rise above it, Stretch is there to pull me back down. I want to help the child, I truly do, but as they continue to get older, they are digressing emotionally. We can't get access to a psychiatrist to make necessary changes to the medications they take. There needs to be a complete overhaul in their depression/anxiety/panic/gender treatment. I am not enough support... and I am running out of, well... everything; energy, ideas, strength, patience... and I feel like I'm crazy. Not the ha ha crazy I often refer to, genuine, honest to goodness mental and emotional exhaustion. Every word that comes out of my mouth or even passes through my mind is fodder for ridicule and paranoia. I've truly never appreciated just how savagely mean I can be... I don't trust a thought in my head. Not one.</div><div><br /></div><div>My sister is home for a month with her son. She bought a place and has come from the great white north to bless all of us with her presence. I don't even want to see her. I know I don't <i>really</i> mean that, but I kinda do. I'm so tired of all of these non-relationships I have in my life. I know I'm the problem (it's me). I guess it only stands to reason that I have no friends either. It's just that I have nobody to talk to. It's a pretty lonely existence.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was lying in my bathtub last night, with my head submerged in the water... I could hear the blood moving through my veins and my heart pumping... a sound that upsets me for reasons I've never understood. My mind was roiling through the usual topics... Stretch, guilt, how truly awful I am as a human, everything I've said to anyone outside of my immediate family, the fact that work is so quiet and I'm certain to be let go, anything I have done, said or thought in my lifetime that can be used as a blunt object with which to beat myself... you know, the usual... and I was crying. I haven't cried in a very long time. I mean, I've teared up at shows or movies when they get sad, but these were tears for me. Let me tell you, I have no lack of self pity at present, but I've not been able to start that tap for a long time... perhaps the fact that I had such a hard time getting the tap turned off, had something to do with that. Then I proceeded to plop my fat arse in front of the telly and watched a particularly emotional episode of ER...</div><div><br /></div><div>Let's just say that my eyes were practically swollen shut when I was awakened by my alarm this morning. Not the best way to start the day, but science indicates crying helps release toxins. Let's hope I managed to unload a gallon or so worth of toxic waste. </div><div><br /></div><div>I promised myself I would write and post something. I've tried and failed to put anything sensical together for what is bleeding into years now. There are at least a dozen starts that went nowhere. So, here it is... a finished, rambling complaint about my life... but it's the first promise I've been able to keep in so long, I couldn't even put a date on it.</div><div><br /></div><div>D ~ out. </div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-67909971030585276002021-07-05T20:26:00.002-03:002021-07-05T20:26:24.748-03:00Sometimes Everything Just Sucks<p> </p><p>I know that I have made so many mistakes. I know this. I openly admit to them... but COME ON! Karla Holmoka didn't serve this much time!</p><p>I've just gone from being ecstatic on Friday night about a job offer that was to come this week, to crying into my lap today because my prospective employer viewed my credit bureau.</p><p>I tried to explain what happened. They humoured me... but in the end, they rescinded their offer. </p><p>This would have been a good job. A high paying job. A game changer for us. Seriously.</p><p>Unfortunately, according to a privately owned credit reporting service, I am a certified dirt-bag that can never be trusted again. Ever. It didn't matter <i>why</i> any of it happened, only <i>that</i> it happened.</p><p>It feels like I will never stop being punished. </p><p>I get why I can't obtain credit, but landing a job that would literally change my life? I really don't understand why they even have to know. I've never ever been suspected of anything illegal or untoward. In fact, I held the Treasury position for years when I worked for the bank. Had a $50K cheque signing limit. Doesn't that count?</p><p>Does the fact that I have fought tooth and nail with our healthcare system to get my kid help make any difference? Or the fact that, against all odds, my marriage has stayed not only intact, but still pretty happy? That I never ran, even though I wanted to more than you could imagine? Or maybe even that my experience matches the position very nicely?</p><p>No. It doesn't. The only thing that matters is what one sheet of paper says about me.</p><p>My background check is clean. My references are spectacular and I would (sincerely) be an asset to them... that just doesn't mean more to them than that horrible time when I lost my home - the only home my children ever really knew - the one we had worked toward for most of our first 10 years together... that's what my economic value amounts to... zero dollars.</p><p>We fucked shit up. </p><p>We made poor decisions. </p><p>Nobody in this scenario set out to make this mess or screw anyone over. We were just trying to survive. To keep life as stable as possible for our kids... and us. We're still fighting the battle.</p><p>It's ruined the past decade and a half of my life and, apparently, it will follow me for another decade and a half before I am free.</p><p>Not to mention the fact that finance is what I know. It is really the only thing I have to offer. Now it would seem I'm out of luck for using any of my 20+ years of experience when trying to obtain gainful employment.</p><p>I've essentially been cancelled.</p><p><br /></p><p>Bummer, I know. </p><p>I think I'll go eat some ice cream with a chocolate bar and wash it down with vodka... straight from the bottle.</p><p>D</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-88698526596000179622020-04-06T15:13:00.000-03:002020-04-06T15:13:13.089-03:00Quarantine - Week Four<div style="text-align: justify;">
We are in uncharted seas these days.</div>
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Everyone who is obedient is terrified and everyone else is behaving like spoiled children.</div>
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I have been working mostly from home, with the odd (pretty much weekly) trip into the empty office to deal with mail in and mail out and gather documentation for our accountant. To my knowledge, my job is not currently in jeopardy. I can only hope that continues as we march slowly through the days, weeks and months of social distancing and isolation.</div>
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Honestly, much of this is no great change for me. I have distanced myself from most everyone quite completely already. If it wasn't for the fear that I experience every time I go to the grocery store, or each time my husband comes home from working out there in 'cootie-ville', I likely wouldn't notice much change at all... except maybe my overall mood.</div>
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It started many months ago... before Christmas even came. My gumption was absent from my daily routine. It has continued to deteriorate over the past four months to a level that even has my husband suggesting therapy for me.</div>
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I mean, there are the household things that are annoyingly absent. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything... and to have all this empty time and literally hundreds of things I could do with it, only to sit in the chair and watch the sun make it's track across the sky - it's madness! I can't even get into cooking anymore... and when I state that, what I mean is every time I must put a meal together to feed my shack-happy kids, you can hear my inner three year old - throwing a blazing tantrum at the tragedy of it all. </div>
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It's the truth - some days I even cry openly about it.</div>
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Those are concerning enough, but the thing that really has me worried sick is the total and complete apathy with which I view my husband of late. I'm entirely disconnected from him. There is no spark, no warmth or (perhaps most concerning of all) attraction. In fact my libido seems to have been quarantined on another continent all together, I fear. </div>
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It simply isn't like me to be this disinterested in sex. </div>
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It isn't like me not to have sixteen projects on the go on any given day, either - but that is unlikely to cause any major marital discord.</div>
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I had reached out for help - before the quarantine came (thank gawd!) and had been reconnected with my psychiatrist. He has changed my medication, but though there was some improvement in my over all energy, this lack of motivation and apathy remains.</div>
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It is horrid.</div>
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He tweaked meds again last week, but they have to be brought on very slowly in order to avoid major side effects... so that hasn't borne any fruit as yet.</div>
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I've also been set up with a therapist, to whom I shall speak on the phone this week. I guess it's worth a try... I can't see any major breakthrough there, as this problem is clearly chemical. There is too much that is 'off' with me for it to be anything else.</div>
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I haven't been reading, writing, even watching television very much since being banned to my house. It's like I'm frozen in a block of ice... waiting for the thaw.</div>
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I can only hope that the new addition to my medical cocktail will make some difference and that as the weather brightens into Spring, I can pull out of this mire, in which I find myself.</div>
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Guess only time will tell.</div>
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Until next time... stay safe, stay at home and stay golden.</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-58823324076465262602020-01-22T14:01:00.000-04:002020-01-22T14:01:06.430-04:00That's Where I Live<div style="text-align: justify;">
Have you ever rested so much on one thing that, if that one thing doesn't pan out, you're gonna be dusted?</div>
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I have.</div>
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I am, in fact.</div>
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I have a doctor's appointment today from which I need a small miracle... in the form of a pill.</div>
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To be clear, at this point I do not give a flying fuck what that pill even is... just so long as it brings back my drive... my life force... my will to even be alive. </div>
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I have experienced this in the past and gotten relief... even if it wasn't immediate... it still came.</div>
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I am so lost inside the minutia of life right now, I don't have a clue which end is up and which is down. I'm tumbling through existence at the moment like an asteroid through space... hurtling toward the great expanse of nothingness. </div>
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Lately, I can't deal. </div>
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Like with anything.</div>
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My oldest is getting to be quite an expert on sucking every last molecule of oxygen out of a room. I sincerely can't breathe when she is (or I guess to be politically correct, <i>they are</i>) in my presence. It's a sin, really. I just can't with that kid right now... and she needs me. She's changed her name to something more androgynous. I hate it. She signed our Christmas cards with said name... so all the relatives got cards with a strange name signed to them... no explanation. I just can't. I want to be supportive, but I just don't buy into it with this kid - I don't. I think it's a phase. A desperate plea to the universe to fit... anywhere. That, all by itself is the saddest thing I've ever heard, but I can't muster more than a blank expression and subtle acceptance for her. I simply don't have the room inside my swirling mind for it. And I tend to be walking away from the poor kid more often than not.</div>
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My bankruptcy filing is on tenuous ground just now... mostly because we have not been paying them anywhere near what they require us to pay. It's so much money per month... like more than our rent. It's ridiculous. There is no way we are gonna be able to pay them off for like... years. Which means I'm stuck in an open file until every last penny is paid. I want to scream... but I just cry, instead.<br />
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Revenue Canada has us in their sites again. Hubs' EI filing from three years ago has come into the cross hairs and they are disputing what he got. By another $3K or so... plus penalties. We sent proof to the contrary, but they simply are not accepting it. Period. And since we are dealing with the "because we say so" corporation, we're good and truly fucked... which means we could be garnished for additional funds to them.<br />
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I can't even...</div>
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There are things I need to be on top of... but I just can't. I can't do it. All I want to do is sleep... and cry... and eat. And when I eat, it's like my body wants to stuff itself so full, I'll purge. I've vomited a few times in the past several weeks. But it doesn't stop me from consuming. I'm like a machine... just keep stuffing fuel in until it blows... then start over again.</div>
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I lost my cool at work yesterday. </div>
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It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it was bad enough that it has given me a little shake. I need to remain employed. In fact, I need to be more employed than I am. I need to make more money than I do. Sadly, I have zero marketable skills at present. I have no drive... and that is what has always made me special... my drive. And it is gone. All of it. Even the fun parts, like sex... gone. I couldn't care less than I do about any part of sex right now... and that my friends is a sad story right there.<br />
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Update - I had my appointment. It went... okay. It comes as no surprise that there is no such 'magic pill' that will do a damn thing for me in one shot... except maybe arsenic, but I digress...<br />
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There is a plan. A medical / physical / emotional plan that requires a measure of work from me. I need to get a sun lamp. I need to take the three flights of stairs up to my office every morning and I must give up alcohol. This, coupled with a change in mood stabilizer <i>should</i> produce a manic episode... that is what I'm after... mania.<br />
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Sad, as I know it to be, it is the drive that I am missing.<br />
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Giving up one of my vices is going to be the toughest part for me. I tend to anesthetize myself on the regular lately... it's the only way I can keep myself from freaking the fuck out. That seems to be where I live these days... on the edge of sheer, unadulterated panic. I find I am often struggling to catch a breath over the icy fingers of panic around my throat and lungs.<br />
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I need to grab a hold of myself and take back control over my life. It isn't going to be an easy fix by any standard, even the loosest, but I truly can't keep existing in this state for much longer. The fact that I haven't had a stroke or heart attack under this stress is a medical mystery to me. I'm on the verge of tears twenty-four hours a day. Even when I'm sleeping, I sometimes cry... it's awful.<br />
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I'm supposed to be focusing on self care. Ha! Like I have time for that. But it is something I have to do... take baths, go for walks, sing, write, talk to people... all things I have given up in the past six or so months. In fact, I have done such a fantastic job of isolating myself, even my core relationships are strained... not the least of which, my husband. This kind of stress can't be healthy for a marriage. It sure as hell isn't healthy for me.<br />
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Anyhoo... I've belly-ached for long enough and I must get back to reality for a while. My mother is visiting me this evening... I doubt I will discuss this with her - it is unlikely I'll have the privacy to do that. Plus I don't think it will be helpful to her to know I am just one mis-step away from a real sad story. But there you have it - that is where I live these days.</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-72626130313687959802019-12-17T17:05:00.000-04:002019-12-17T17:05:08.738-04:00All That Glitters...<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am super struggling with the whole "Christmas" thing this year.</div>
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I mean, I am trying... but I'm dragging myself by the eyelashes. </div>
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The house is decorated.</div>
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The shopping is nearing an end.</div>
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My house is not overly clean... nor is it going to be... and I just don't care. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have no baking done, but that part isn't unusual.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am approaching as ready as I'm planning to get... but there is no love in it for me this year. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Zip. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Zero. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Zilch.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm normally stressed out for one reason or another, but I don't even feel <b><i>that</i></b> much excitement this year. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm just numb.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Work isn't helping.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is so dead in there, I literally would scrub the floor for something to do. I wrapped my boss' Christmas gifts again this year. It further demeans me, but I seriously needed something to do. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It wears me out... not having any purpose. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Drains my spirit.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's likely past time for me to move on... I just feel so yucky about my own self, I can't imagine 'selling it' in an interview... much less in my subsequent performance. Putting a pin in that for right now.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Ulch.<br />
<br />
I want to love this time of year so badly.<br />
<br />
I need to.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Even my kids aren't excited. The fam seems to draw their sense of well being from me and I'm just not putting it off just now. Plus we have an elderly, ailing dog and that has cast a pallor over everything too. </div>
<br />
I want to experience an 'up' for the love of fuck!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There is finally an appointment set to start screwing around with meds... it's in late January. I guess that is something to look forward to? I shudder to think what that will be like after last time... but if it fixes my lack of 'up' it will be well worth it... just not for another long while.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Aaaaahhhh!</div>
<br />
I'm so tired of not being myself.<br />
<br />
Here's hoping for a peaceful holiday week,<br />
<br />
D-out<br />
<br />Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-91490963245215300492019-11-27T20:10:00.000-04:002019-11-27T20:10:03.597-04:00Crinkly PaperThat's how it sounds in my head tonight.<br />
All the thoughts in my head vying for an audience.<br />
My ears are literally ringing right now with the sussurus that is going on in there.<br />
<br />
All of it is negative.<br />
Every thought and even the half thoughts - all negative.<br />
And mean, too.<br />
<br />
I should've gone to parent teacher for Stretch tonight.<br />
I can easily supply a half dozen reasons why I didn't go, but all that matters is that I didn't.<br />
I should've.<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's been a challenging time for me of late. My downward trend continues and Mental Health is not falling over itself to bail me out, either. Still no word on a referral back to my psychiatrist. One who has already treated me... one who likely would only need to talk to me on the phone for fifteen minutes and could solve my problem... but it's been three weeks already and still no word.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm struggling. My energy is zapped. My libido is unconscious. I know this is a chemical thing. I know it can be fixed... even if it eventually needs to be tweaked again... I know there is relief, but I can't access it. It is frustrating.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm trying with my whole heart to get into Christmas... but I just can't do it this year. I know I have to. I know that I have to summon some reasonable facsimile of Christmas spirit... but it ain't coming easy this year. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My house is a disaster. There are bins of decorations everywhere. Things are half up/half in bins... well, to be honest, things are 1/16th up and 15/16ths in bins. It's a daunting task. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm so fucking tired.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have one more weekend to get my feces collated. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I find myself wondering if my kids will look back on this time and realize how much distress I was actually in going through these motions. Will they resent me for that? Will they be able to see. through the wisdom of years that I was doing my best... or at very minimum, what I thought was my best. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Will I be the asshole in their story? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't wanna be the asshole!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I want to be a glowing example of holiday spirit, fulfilling their needs and whims with an easy stroke of my magic mom wand.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Who am I kidding?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I just want to survive this holiday season without destroying somebody's memories.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This year, I'll call that feat a win.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-5261028942345206022019-11-21T11:45:00.001-04:002019-11-21T11:45:40.490-04:00What is it About Birthdays?<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yesterday was my birthday... my forty-seventh birthday.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I find myself so depressed today, I just want to sit here and sob.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What the hell is the big deal, anyway? Why do I feel this way? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Is it because birthdays are a marker? A measuring stick that we stand up against our lives so we can judge where we are vs. where we should be?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If I was to give the birthday pep-talk to someone I cared about, I would say something like: "Birthdays are a celebration of the day that you came into existence and should be filled with all the love everyone has for you."</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Either I don't care about myself, or I don't buy my own bullshit, because birthdays <i><b>blow</b></i> once you reach a certain age... like maybe sixteen. I think sixteen was the last of my <i>happy</i> birthdays.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My birthday blew... and sucked. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My husband was away, but he texted me a rousing "Happy dirty day, hun"... which was a spell-check gone wrong.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My mother and two sisters texted me happy birthdays.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Facebook came through with the obligatory salutations it prompts on one's 'special' day.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My bestie dropped me a text from California, where she is celebrating her fiftieth (3 months late).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Can't say I'm feeling the love. Can't say I'm feeling much of anything except disappointed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My husband was away and to his credit, he did bring me a card and a watch which was propped up on the counter this morning when I went into the kitchen. That was kind of him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My kids don't even care anymore. No cards... Jesus, the oldest never even wished me a happy birthday. I know I'm whining, but Jesus Christ, you guys... way to make a fella feel unappreciated!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know that my friend situation is my own fault. I have managed to alienate most everyone from my world. I have 'turtled' so severely over the past few years, I've shut everybody out. I know that is ultimately on me... but there are certain people from whom I expect better things.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My boss completely shit the bed. Fuck! On her birthday, I was making arrangements for flowers to be delivered to her home... and last year, I made her a beautiful card - she still keeps the stupid thing on her desk, for crying out loud! I didn't even get a wish from her... just a call to drive to her house and deliver a stack of business cards there because she didn't want to stop at the office for them.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Talk about feeling like someone's bitch!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm feeling incredibly unappreciated... and worst of all, I feel as though I may even deserve that... I work a 'nothing' job. I mean there is not one redeemable thing about what I do in that office. I could lift out of there tomorrow and the only reason anyone would even notice is because what I do isn't important enough to bother learning for my higher ups... so somebody might have to look up a login or some such. God forbid.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm feeling that way about my family, too.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Not that I wouldn't be missed... the house would fall apart in short order and there would be huge inconvenience all around, but would anybody even really miss <i><b>me</b></i>? Would my absence mean anything other than inconvenience?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I guess that after forty-seven years on the planet, one wants to matter somehow. One wants to feel like they would be missed if they were say... abducted by aliens or some such. One wants to have had some sort of impact on their world... and I just don't.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
...another shortfall on the yard stick of life.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
How quaint.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-585778330378153012019-10-07T18:31:00.000-03:002019-10-07T18:31:49.811-03:00The Ghosts I Know<div style="text-align: justify;">
My dreams are being haunted.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Every night, I have a visit from my stepfather... then my ex... the one who's name is never spoken. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That one.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
These dreams are so life like... I have to remind myself they didn't really happen.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's actually jarring.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
These are not happy dreams.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They are too realistic to be happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I feel like I am being asked to do battle with these ghosts.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Like I have to prove something to them.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
...and I got nuthin'.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm stuck in the molasses of my life like a fly in amber.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This 'condition' of mine has worsened this year. I had no 'up' at all during this past Summer. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
None. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yet, I am dipping. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm moody.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm angry.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ragey driving is rearing its ugly head.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I came home from work this afternoon, mad before I walked in the door, where I was met with a messy house; Dishwasher full of clean dishes. Two loads of laundry to be folded. Counter and both sinks full of dirty dishes. I had to deal with cat shit on the couch... on the floor... and in the litter box... then I went into the bathroom on the main floor and there was shit spattered all over the toilet... </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Seriously, peolpe? There is not one reason why this was saved for me. Not one.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm home from my romantic weekend all of 24 hours and I'm already rage cleaning the house. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My husband doesn't know what he is coming home to... and I am helpless to stave it off. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My energy is stained with the frustration of this family. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I got a text from him an hour or so ago that stated what time he'd be home... you know, so I can have dinner ready for that time. I mean he has to go back out and work tonight, but who died and made me his mother, anyway? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
...and don't get me started on the whole 'mother' thing. My kids do not appreciate any of what I do for them, not the hot homecooked meal every day, not the tidy house, not the groceries, not their cell phone plans or spending money... none of it! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And that is my fault.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've created these monsters.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My husband is the same.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He is spoiled.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know he works a lot of hours and he is away quite a bit, but who in the hell does he think is running this household? Taking care of all the little finite details? Feeding everyone? Making sure doctor appointments are kept, prescriptions are up to date and that we don't live in a house that should be condemned! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
If I left it to them, we'd live in absolute filth!<br />
<br />
It is driving me crazy... and the drive is a short run right now.<br />
<br />
I'm walking around inside out.<br />
<br />
...and in my dreams, I'm met with the two greatest sorrows of my lifetime... patrolling the backs of my eyes with their pointy walking sticks.<br />
<br />
I wake up in the same pain I felt then... only the wounds are fresh again.<br />
<br />
I just can't figure out the why part.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I'm numbing it all with vodka and pot... and food. I'm stuffing my face with anything that will make the sensation change.<br />
<br />
If I wasn't so filled with self-loathing, I'd be stalking some poor bastard on the internet by now.<br />
<br />
I don't wanna be me anymore. I seriously don't.<br />
<br />
I'm just so done in with everything. Work, home, friends, family. I'm just done.<br />
<br />
Fuck!Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-91061730189348726112019-09-26T17:03:00.003-03:002019-09-26T17:03:17.349-03:00I've Been Writing Another Post...<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's title is "Numb".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm hoping it will just stay unpublished like so many other aimless posts.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes, you read that right: There are some posts too inane for even me to put up here.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As an update to my current sitch, let me get to the facts in point form:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I survived my Annual Golf Tournament without getting drugged. Yay me!</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">The Summer never provided my manic swing... boo. Kept me in line, though.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Fall is kicking my ass.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">The kids are good. Thank you, Universe.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">My dog is sick and I am scared out of my mind.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">My current job is nearing an end. It's time for me to get a grown up job now.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">A recruitment firm contacted me last night about my resume... which I posted on a job-site this week. It's for an unposted job with a government funded Board of Directors. It would pay nearly double what I am currently making, and would provide things like benefits and pension. I am holding my breath to see if I get an interview. It's a 'personality' position. It's Executive Assistant to the CEO. Right up my alley.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Really stoked about that last one.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">My best friend and I are drifting... and I seem helpless to stop it. My feelings just get hurt so damned easily.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">I have a vacation day tomorrow. I gotta tell you, I am happy about that. Work is so bloody boring lately. Gah!</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">My land-lady is talking about possibly selling this house. That is not going to make for a happy Dani, let me say.</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Hubs and I are going away to a cottage next weekend. I am off next Friday, too. It's on the ocean, this cottage. We've stayed there a few times before... it's kinda 'our place'. I'm really looking forward to that. We seem to be drifting lately, too. I have to think it's me. I'm the common denominator. I just hope we can pull a memorable weekend out of the mire. </li>
</ul>
So there you have it. <div>
A run down on the 'abc's of me'. </div>
<div>
Not terribly exciting, but then neither am I of late.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
D-Out.</div>
</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-69684771160378421652019-08-27T20:45:00.000-03:002019-08-27T20:45:16.643-03:00I Got a Case of the Crabbies...<div style="text-align: justify;">
I feel like my dial is set to 'Turbo-Bitch' this week.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Don't get me wrong, I'm not acting out or anything... well not much, anyway.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's like wearing your birthday suit inside out. That's the best way I can think to describe it. All the tender little bits of me are exposed and raw. The outside world is like a shower of splinters in my eyes.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
EVERYTHING grates my nerves. My boss. My kids. Traffic. My spouse. Breathing. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It all annoys the living shit outta me right now.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There are things about which, I should be worried... don't get me wrong.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Heating season looms.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Our Trustees are displeased with us and all up in our jiggies at present. They want more money every month... we don't have it... the saga continues.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am holding my breath...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The 'internal revenue' department has set its sights upon us for random 'fuck you' tactics. Unemployment filings from four years ago... GST over payments from three years ago... let's just say, I am a tad uneasy with this venture. I'm fairly sure we didn't do anything we weren't supposed to, but my experience with this service has left me rather bereft of joy in the past.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am holding my breath...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My dog is aging at an alarming rate and has developed some serious problems with his hips in the past couple of weeks. That scares me to death. I'm so afraid we will have to put him down, simply because we can't afford to get him healthy. He is eleven. He's an old fella in his breed's years. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am holding my breath...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This year, I didn't swing out into my 'normal' manic self. Never got my 'Summer high'. Now with Fall approaching readily, I am afraid I will dip deeper than last year. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can't afford a deeper dive than last year.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am holding my breath...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Jesus! No wonder I am so crabbie, there is no oxygen getting to my brain!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tonight, I rolled my kid's tips for her. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know it is weird, but the catharsis I experience in doing a task like that is nearly orgasmic. It caresses all my obsessive parts. I was supposed to be teaching her how to do it... but I hogged it like a fat kid with a smartie.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I need to learn how to knit or something. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That sort of repetitive action soothes the beast... and the beast is irritated beyond sense right now.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-8208613869708023722019-08-21T20:06:00.001-03:002019-08-21T20:06:46.384-03:00Dear Boss Lady;If I was a brave heart, I would send you this message.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i><b>Yes</b></i>, what you pulled the other night at our event was a dick move. <b><i>Yes</i></b>, my feelings are hurt... and <b><i>yes</i></b>, it seemed awfully god damned pointed, in the moment. So much so, that our <i>treasurer... </i>a guy<i> </i>that doesn't<i> <b>do</b> </i>feelings<i> -</i> said something to you about it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know I said it didn't bother me... but it did. It does. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Please don't misunderstand. I am grateful I instead, spent a romantic evening with my husband by the water, rather than patronizing some dive in downtown red-neck-fisher-town, with you and your groupies. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
No... my night was much nicer... and it ended in wild-ass hotel sex. So... no contest.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's just the <i>way</i> you ditched me. In a bitch-snit about nothing... and your excuse was, I didn't answer your text... on the phone that I had left in my room... to go downtown with <b>you</b> in the first place! </div>
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<br /></div>
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I found myself later wondering if perhaps I had been getting attention you deemed to be yours.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm being gracious about this and not stirring the pot, but that is because of who <i><b>I</b></i> am and has no bearing on what I now know <i><b>you</b></i> to be. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Let's just be clear. I don't like feeling as though I am being dishonest with you. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not okay with it. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I don't want to talk about it any further. </div>
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I will not allow that to happen to me again.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Please don't act all surprised when I fail to follow you into whatever unprofessional foolishness you plan to drag me through next... like maybe a strip club with a bunch of horny, middle-aged teenagers. That seems a likely happenstance at our next event. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Unless, of course, I get left on my ass while you peel away again. Guess that depends on how much attention I get, doesn't it?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm good.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We're good.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let's just move on, shall we?</div>
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<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-51398277947822002452019-07-10T19:27:00.000-03:002019-07-10T19:27:26.655-03:00Colour Me Relieved<div style="text-align: justify;">
Been a while since I last posted. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It's been a rather busy time, what with my husband's niece, brother, sister-in-law and sister all landing at our place within a three week span.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm quite tired, but I rescind my original objection to the company staying with us. All in all, it was a very positive experience. </div>
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My children made me proud.</div>
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I suspect I made my husband proud. I was the 'hostess with the mostest' during their visits.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My brother-in-law pulled me aside and told me I had "a beautiful home"... to which I started to make some self depricating comment... and he said: "I'm not talking about the wood! I'm talking about the home you have built... there is so much love here". </div>
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<br /></div>
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I could cry just typing that.</div>
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<br /></div>
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My kids were amazing. </div>
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They stayed around and interacted with everyone.</div>
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They were funny.</div>
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They demonstrated their free-thinking opinions and spoke intelligently.</div>
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They showed off their individual art.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
...I couldn't possibly be prouder of them, both.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My bestie said to me last night that, of all the things for which she holds me in high regard, my mothering style was at the top.</div>
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<br /></div>
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That made me cry for sure.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Right at the moment I almost resemble that remark... but then, that's only viewing things from the surface. There's all sorts of 'mal' and 'dys' function going on over here.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For today, though... for today I'm going to just take the damn compliments in, and nevermind questioning the person who gave it in either case.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My eldest child landed their first job today. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
From their first ever interview. </div>
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My 'proud mama' chest is gonna go ahead and burst soon.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The same first born also took themselves to the mall today on the bus and got a hair cut with their very own money. Day-um! That kid is going places... mark my words.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tomorrow we are buying a 'new to us' vehicle. </div>
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I am very excited.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is a much better fit for our family... albeit, more expensive.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But it's safer, newer, bigger... I will actually be able to put my dog in it... and it is so friggen pretty.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I haven't been in 'car-love' since we bought the Durango... I may be slightly twitterpated by this one.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyhoo... I am at odds with what to do with myself just now. I'm feeling a little on the 'relaxed' side and can't seem to motivate any work out of me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Could be a 'sit in the tub and read' kinda night.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Hope all my 'Bleeps' are feeling good on this fine evening.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
D-out </div>
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Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-52887778334162328872019-06-30T16:12:00.001-03:002019-06-30T16:12:57.973-03:00Rainy Days and Mondays...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Summer is coming on very slowly for me, in more ways than one, this year.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The weather has been less than seasonal so far. I mean, it's the last day of June and I am puttering around my house in a sweatshirt and long pants. It really isn't <i>acting </i>like Summer.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My mood is having the same un-seasonality. Yes, that is my very own term. Un-seasonality; <i>n</i>. Behaving in an abnormal fashion based on time of year. See: Bi-polar swing.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm starting to understand the dramatic references made in the media about people with this disorder railing against their meds. They are helpful to me to counteract the lows... and I can get a whole lot worse than I've been, without them... but when the up-swing fails to arrive on schedule... you really have to weigh the pros and cons of medicating. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I should be just about at the top of my roller coaster right about now... full of energy and projects and badness... and I got nuthin'. I could easily lie down right now and go to sleep. I didn't get up until 10:30 this morning and sat on my arse for most of the day. I can't get out of my own friggen way!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
...even that exclamation point was an effort for me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We have had my hubs' brother and sister-in-law staying with us over the past week... and again this coming weekend for four days. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Have I mentioned I'm not good at company?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not good at company for any more than 24 hours. 36 would be my dead max. That pretty much drains me until Spring... from Christmas. They were here Sunday, Monday and left on Tuesday. My husband flew out to Newfoundland Monday morning and left me with them. It isn't anything against them as people... they are perfectly lovely people... but my home is my bubble. This is like having something living under my skin and not being able to get it out... that's the only way I can describe it. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I feel terrible... but it is the honest truth. They are coming back on Thursday and will be here until Monday. Again, my husband is leaving on Sunday... I am dreading it like dental surgery. They have generously offered to (well, they are insisting that they) take us out to dinner at a restaurant I know to be rather pricey. I'd really rather not go. I have to go... but honestly, I'd forego the lobster feed for a Saturday night in my bubble without company. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know that I am the broken one.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know my hubby does not understand... though god love him, he is trying... but he can't possibly get it... it isn't a normal, sane thing, how could he?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The saddest part of this story is that my kids are the same way... and it's my fault.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They have been so uncomfortable with the intrusion. My oldest has just come out as non-binary. My husband's brother is not known for his open mind and gentle approach to things in general. That subject in particular, hasn't been broached, but others have and scuffles have ensued. He has a tendency to call Stretch "young lady"... which makes 'them' mental... it's really only a matter of time before a meltdown. I have no doubt I will wind up talking Stretch back down to Earth at some point over those four days.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish I was better at this. It is so important for my hubby to have this connection. He's been deprived of familial connection for a good part of his adult life. It's certainly long overdue. I just really wish I could digest and metabolize the assault to my senses better.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is an enormous amount of work, though... hosting people in your home. It seems like it's always time for people to eat. By the time I finish cleaning up one, it's time to consider the next meal. Plus running a household around company, while trying to hide the fact that you are running a household is exhausting! I guess it isn't totally crazy that I'm toasted this weekend... and with the weather all dark and drippy... I guess it isn't any wonder that I'm wandering around like Eeyore on Percocet. </div>
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I'm not looking forward to next weekend for any reason other than to get it over with. </div>
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Ugh. </div>
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I really wish I was better than this.</div>
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<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-79256220069683310052019-06-13T15:49:00.000-03:002019-06-13T15:49:53.914-03:00"Mother of the Year" is IN THE BAG!<div style="text-align: justify;">
This has been a toughy of a week.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I did not go to work this morning because I could barely lift my head off my pillow, it hurt that bad. It was everything I had not to cut it off myself just to stop the pain.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm assuming my head is the result of a highly stressful week with my eldest child... who is to no longer be referred to as female... or male. "They" are/is (fucked if I know) non-binary. Also, I am not to refer to "them" as previously being female, either.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This was the bomb dropped upon my arrival home on Tuesday afternoon.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I said every possible wrong thing you can imagine. Or at least a whole bunch of wrong things... but at first I just kept my mouth shut. Apparently my body language was saying something of offense prior to my verbally confirming it.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div>
The other one chimed in upon one of my first "wrong things" said... and my response to her was: "I don't recall asking for your opinion". That sent her storming out of the room in a fury. Two birds, one stone.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm at a loss as to what I am to do. This kid is not openly liked at school... and 'came out' to "their" class last week as non-binary. To this action, I'm left wondering why anyone would wantonly do that to themselves... but "they" reminded me that if everyone did that, there would be no forward movement in that community.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It isn't that "they" are/is without a point. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can't help but feel that Stretch might be using this as something to sharpen "their" teeth upon.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It has been a gaping maw... the trap that has been laid for me. Like Stretch is throwing this around to get a feel for a big issue... at the expense of the rest of the family. I know that sounds dismissive... I guess it is somewhat dismissive of me... but I just don't feel that openly embracing this is the best path to follow. Not that I'm going to openly discourage, but I'm not yet modern enough to openly encourage it either. I support the child. I don't care if "they" are a "he" or a "she" or an "it" for that matter, I just want some happiness for this kid.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This just seems like a bad way to play things... I may as well have named this kid "throw the basketball at my head" Dragonfly. Oh and that's another topic that's been broached. The changing of the name... along with being fitted for a chest binder and even (ever so subtly) hormone therapy. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Fuck Me!</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Last night was Wednesday. I went to my bestie's place after work... I'm trying to be better at socializing, I really am... plus I was not in a big hairy hurry to come home and face my children. I stayed until around 8ish and then headed home. I wasn't in the door for three minutes before she... sorry, "they" were/was wailing at me how unfair I was being.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I had been asked if "they" could attend a youth group for gender queer youth. I said I'd think about it. Then I was told the next meeting was in one week... the night before the final math exam. I didn't even say no. I said I would speak to "their" father before making any final decision.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Kah-Blooey!!!</div>
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<br /></div>
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It was highly unfortunate. I really didn't want to fight.... but that didn't matter.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm at a loss. I truly am out of my depth here. I don't know how to appropriately handle this... and although it's unlikely to have been any help what so ever, my husband has been away for most of the fight. </div>
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Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-88160730245517769512019-06-06T08:57:00.001-03:002019-06-06T08:57:33.486-03:00Today's Mood<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DyDfgMOUjCI" width="560"></iframe>Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-73109621912001803782019-06-05T20:05:00.003-03:002019-06-05T20:05:37.512-03:00Good New... Bad News<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... on the up side, there is no clot, blockage or tumor in my brain.</div>
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<br /></div>
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That's a relief.</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
The down side of this news is that I still have a wicked headache... and the reason for it remains a mystery.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't really know what comes next. I don't want to be taking more pills... I'm pilled out.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Acupuncture, chiropractic, massage... diet. I really have no idea where to go, now.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm worried my weekend is going to be ruined by this god-forsaken thing! We are going away on Saturday and I'm gonna be pissed if my head gets in the way of my night. We have an evening cruise planned and a nice dinner... and then there's having no kids around... barm-chicka barm-barm.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've taken Friday off to get the house stuff done and groceries in the house. I'm looking forward to the long weekend. My job has been somewhat on the stale side of late.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
On that note, I applied for the job. I really have no idea if I'll even get a read, but I would be an idiot to pass up an opportunity at an Executive Director position... I mean I don't want my boss' position, but that would open some doors for me.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Who knows, maybe they're desperate for someone. Stranger things have been known to happen.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyway... I guess I've got a lot to be grateful for today. I was honestly worried about there being something physically wrong with my actual brain.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So all in all... a good day.</div>
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D-out</div>
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Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-14517799298190627492019-06-04T18:51:00.001-03:002019-06-04T18:51:43.172-03:00Stagnance<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's an enemy of happiness for me.</div>
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I'm stagnant.</div>
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Stuck.</div>
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Moldy.</div>
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Today, I decided to dust off my resume... there is a job...</div>
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I think I am qualified to do this job.</div>
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It would be a very good move for me... it's part time... and it's an Executive Director position.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I find I'm reluctant to change anything right now as I feel too stupid to do anything at all at present, but maybe that very reluctance is what is holding me back. Maybe that is the problem I should be tackling.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today is the first day that my head hasn't been bringing me to my knees. I don't know how long it will last, but I feel as though I must make hay while the sun shines, so to speak.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I frustrate the hell out of myself. I'm the fucking poster child of wasted potential.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm smart, but uneducated.</div>
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Talented, but unmotivated.</div>
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I can sing, but don't.</div>
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I can write, but I don't.</div>
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I'm a talented teacher, but don't teach.</div>
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Have a mind for numbers, but don't use it.</div>
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Have the acumen for business, but it sits stale.</div>
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Have an eye for design, yet do nothing with it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There is so much to me that I don't use. Don't exploit. </div>
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It comes down to self confidence... I don't seem to have it.</div>
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My husband sees my potential. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He sees the beauty in me, the talent. </div>
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He calls me his 'dremel' due to my multi-talented countenance.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I super love him for that.</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
At least I picked my mate well.</div>
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<br /></div>
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That's not nuthin'.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... I have updated my resume and I plan to send it off to this job. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It may very well be that not one thing comes from it, but I think maybe it is time for me to start trying again. I have just put my hands up in the past few years and let life wash over me - without regard for my future... the future of my family... my girls. It feels as though that was the best I could do.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But it's time for things to change.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I have university to pay for... it's time for me to pull my head outta my ass.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There is a very real possibility we will need to move after the next school year to accommodate my youngest in her academic journey. We need to be ready for that. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The answers are back from the trustee... it ain't pretty, but at least we know. At least we can plan.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's far past time to take a big step forward. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We need it. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's time.</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-54891977044636138122019-06-02T19:56:00.000-03:002019-06-02T19:56:37.059-03:00Bob LoblawSay it without a space.<br />
<br />
If you haven't gotten it yet, we can no longer be friends.<br />
<br />
Christ, I am depressing.<br />
<br />
This (or these) headache(s) is (are) depressing the life out of me.<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't have a clue what is causing this to be happening. The pain moves. The headache changes from time to time. It's like cluster headaches on steroids, with tension neck and raging sore eyeballs. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm exhausted all the time. I do not know how people with chronic pain can do it long term... I guess because they have to. I'm hoping that isn't my fate. It's time to figure this out though - last week was the most brutal yet... and today, I was down the whole damn day! It's like 7:00 and I'm only just able to withstand the screen of a laptop. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I thought it would be good for my mental health to write... even if it's Bahblahblah... get it now?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My sweet, and very kind hubby worked on his projects all day and then made dinner while I laid either in bed or on the coach in the rec-room. (I was lonely) No TV. No music. As little light as possible. The pain has been getting worse this past week... and when it rains heavily, like it is today, the pain is like a hot poker in the eye, through the back of my head, on a downward angle.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm ridiculously depressed. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I need to make changes to my diet and routine to see if it affects the pain. I need to figure this out, but my ability to get out of my own way seems to be a.w.o.l. I'm lucky to get clean and dressed when I am like this. My god, I only just brushed my teeth for the first time after dinner - and I'm sitting in the jammy pants I put on getting out of bed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That isn't me... even on a day when I don't get cleaned up until late because I'm working on something sweaty or messy - I always brush my teeth. Obsessively, in fact. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've done nothing today, save tidy up after our meal, as hubs had to go to work. Not one thing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I need something to be excited about. I mean, I'm looking forward to our night away this coming weekend, but I'm so worried about this damned head of mine fucking things up. I need a happy distraction. So much so, I even entered a piece of writing in a contest. I got a response from them yesterday... so I know someone will read it, at least. I figured I'd be part of a sea of submissions, but they did email me... so that's cool. It would be amazing to get positive feed back from someone on a piece of my writing. I crave that.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It could even push me out of this nightmare of a head space. That would be beyond amazing!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think I will draw a bath and have a soak. The heat will sometimes aggravate the headache... sometimes not. The bath will at least relax my neck... fuck I am tired of all this pain!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yesterday was the closest thing to reprieve that I've had in well over a week. I got a shit-ton done and spent a little time outside. We even got to have a fire outside last night... and have sex and everything! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes, this bastard is even affecting our sex life now. It has to go! Up until a couple of weeks ago, I refused to allow it to mess with our rhythm... but I don't get to refuse anymore... this bastard puts me down for the count. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It sucks so bad!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I guess I'm pushing my luck with the computer... I must go soak my pain-riddled head. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Depressing D-Out</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-28080621144718669122019-05-30T11:08:00.000-03:002019-05-30T11:08:00.874-03:00Tiny Victories<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not certain how the rest of the world's population interprets its surroundings from day to day... </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can speak only for myself.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It seems, by times at least, that things can easily feel a little on the grey and dingy side. Like the light has somehow drained from my existence... or the music track has become a somber drone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's in these moments that I have to work hard to discern the positives in my tiny sphere. The news is terrifying, traffic is awful, people just tend to suck all the way around. My thoughts land in worst case scenario with all possibilities and the future seems like it will never come... but it's always coming, isn't it? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's coming... and going... and all the while, I'm wishing it away like a flu or a cold. Biding my time until the depression lifts and the manic takes over... waiting for the shift.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Waiting.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But time doesn't wait with me. Time marches right on past... and when I look up and see my precious little baby girls turning into women right under my nose, and I witness the passage of time on my mother's face, my husband's... my own. I realize that I am a prisoner of my own making. A prisoner of apathy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is in these moments that I must look the hardest for the tiny sparkle. Wherever there is a glimmer of good; In the warm adoration of a cat who has claimed my lap as his own, the laughter of one of my kids at a silly pun someone just made, sunshine, making love to a man that I love with my whole self... and sometimes, just the simple act of getting out of bed and facing another day.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
All of these things are tiny victories. Teeny, tiny glimmers of the happiness I seek. The calm I crave and the zest for life I know I possess... somewhere, hidden within the folds of the heavy blanket that descends on me during the first part of the year.<br />
<br />
I know it is there.<br />
<br />
I simply need to hang on long enough to uncover it...<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TpeWxjtySKU" width="560"></iframe>Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-69490297496617054682019-05-29T11:48:00.001-03:002019-05-29T11:48:23.310-03:00Some People's Children...<div style="text-align: justify;">
Boy! It has been a week at work.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Don't get me wrong, I'm bored outta my silly little mind, but there has been some shit splatter from the proverbial fan all up in here!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... yesterday, I had to go an get my CT Scan done for 7:10 am. I had to be there at 6:40 am, so I was up at 5:00. That allowed me to get the scan, return home, make lunch for myself and my two children and then head into work - and still make it on time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I pulled into my usual parking space (as I am a creature of habit) and proceeded to gather my stuff to take into work. When I went to unplug my phone, I noticed several messages from my boss - who is out West this week with our President at a series of meetings. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I immediately called her.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
She was in a tizzy, for sure and by the time she spat out the whole story, it would seem our President got himself drunk when he landed and stayed that way for the ensuing two days, culminating in him knocking boots with the Executive Director of another concrete association in the room adjacent to my boss lady.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now, they are both adults, but it really doesn't look good to have your President wandering around drunk and falling penis-first into anything that'll hold still. Not good at all... not to mention the fact that we are trying to sell our most recent educational offering to these people - AND, she is a staff member of another association. He is an elected board member. It is not cool. Not cool at all. Plus it is further complicated by the fact that the girl in question is a well known Bitch... with a capital B.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today, they will be travelling home together on the same flights - that will eat up most of the day. I feel bad for my boss lady. She is beside herself with disgust and disappointment... does not want to even look at him, and will be stuck sitting next to him all the way home.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yucky!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can't imagine how in the hell I'm even gonna make eye contact with him... and I'm not supposed to know. It will be highly uncomfortable moving forward knowing all the little tid bits of info that I do. Ignorance really is bliss, by times.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Back in my mortgage days, I was aware that people in my industry often hooked up at various corporate events... never people I knew well, and honestly, I tended to stay away from much of the shenanigans. This, though... this is grossing me right out! I had at least a modicum of respect for him. This guy has a girlfriend, for crying out loud! His first girlfriend (of a year and a half) since his marriage went South due to his wife cheating on him... you'd think he would have grabbed a clue or two from that experience.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It would seem that is not the case. I happen to know this is not the first company inkwell into which he has dipped his quill... but that is not a story for this medium. Ignorance to that little nugget would have been somewhat more blissful than my existing feelings on the matter.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I know I am no poster child for perfection in a marriage. I have stumbled... but this flagrant breach of conduct is beyond me. I just don't understand how grown-assed adults can walk around in this world behaving like this! I truly do not.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It would seem his defense is going to consist of "but I don't even remember what happened"... I don't buy that. Anyone that gets that fucked up at a company function has to know good and well they are going to misbehave. I know he's an alcoholic... I've been told numerous times - though am yet to experience him overly drunk. Like does he need a handler to attend these functions? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Seriously, people! I'm so ashamed for him.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
YUCKY! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-82450167584606396862019-05-27T09:51:00.000-03:002019-05-27T09:51:05.310-03:00Did I Sleep Through Summer?<div style="text-align: justify;">
And wake up in February?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My GAWD the weather is sucky for end of May. We should be enjoying endless days of warm, dry wonderful instead of what feels like borderline snow weather.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Gah!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I <i><b>need</b></i> some sun! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We got one good day this past weekend. Saturday was a beauty! 20 degrees, full sun, light breeze - it was magnificent! I worked on laundry most of the day, but managed to spend the bulk of the day outside. Good thing, too because it clouded over Sunday and now is supposed to rain for the first half of the week at least... and with the heavy atmosphere, comes my head's worst nightmare.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I spent most of the day yesterday in bed or on the couch in so much pain I could hardly move. The headache worsens by quite a lot when the barometric pressure is low. I wish like hell this thing would fuck off already!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tomorrow I get my CT Scan. I have to be there at 6:40 am! I'm nervous about that. I'm truly afraid they are going to find something... but then I am also afraid they won't, and then I'm just stuck with a headache for the rest of my life. I guess I'd take that over a tumor... which I'm still half convinced I have. Suffice it to say, I'm nervous and though I want it to be behind me, I'm realizing I won't even get results until my appointment with my Doc and that doesn't happen until the 17th of June.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm using my down time at work to do an upgrade course for my Excel skills. I'm likely an intermediate Excel user, but by the end of this class, I'll be an expert! Excel appeals to the obsessive compulsive side of my personality. I like having nice neat places for all the little pieces of information to go. My working project is an intricate budget for my household. By the end of my course, the work book will do friggen somersaults if I ask it to! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It has also sparked an idea for an invention, too. I'm calling it "Whensday". It's a touch screen computer that hangs on the kitchen wall. It'll have my budget - so I can just tap the cell and add in groceries, oil, any bills that come in, etc - plus a full calendar with individual cells that can have appointments, etc loaded in, blue tooth for music (and the Google dot) and a slideshow for when the Whensday is resting. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think it's brilliant! Plus it will be hooked into the internet so I can load recipes up on the screen. My hubs is in the process of making this a reality. It's gonna keep me organized. I haven't been financially organized for nearly a decade... part of my crumbling foundations. All of this will add to the rebuild, so to speak.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Today, after work, I am taking my oldest to therapy. I have hired a psychologist who works with a life coach. Stretch needs to learn how to interact with her world better. I'm out of my depth with her in this area. I'm super hopeful it will be beneficial for her. I hate to be that mom with both kids in therapy, but I guess this really isn't about me - and she is really struggling socially. Honestly, when she gets on a tangent, it feels like talking to a jackhammer - right in the face. She can be very off-putting. I'm hopeful someone she feels knows what the hell they are talking about (aka - not her stupid parents) can get it through her head that people do not respond well to that. Also, that while she should never change who she is for anybody else, she does have to know how to communicate in such a way that people won't walk away out of sheer exhaustion.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I worry...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
About her, about her sister... about all of them... especially if there is something wrong with me. It scares me into my bones. Makes me cry like a loon. I've started cutting back one of my meds - with the thought that maybe they are causing my headache. I also started taking magnesium and drinking more water and quite a lot less alcohol. I've dropped that back almost entirely. I haven't noticed any great strides toward living headache free... but I'm hopeful there will be healthy relief in my near future that doesn't involve cutting into my brain or radiation. Ugh... I need to stop thinking like this.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So... I'm going to go and do some work on my course. At the very least, that will keep my mind busy during the work day. My boss lady is out of town this week, so I'm all by my lonesome in the office. It can get very loud inside my head when I am left too much to my own devices.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
D-Out</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-24149480986870795302019-05-15T18:48:00.001-03:002019-05-15T18:48:39.115-03:00I Can't Think of a Zippy Title<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can't think of a zippy topic, either...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Here is a very good example of me wanting to write... crying out for inspiration and... nuthin'.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I got nuthin'.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tonight, I attempted a penag curry. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It did not go over well.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
... not even with my girl of adventerous tastes.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We are not a family that cares for big spice.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Garlic and onion are my favorite spices. I'm simple that way.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Glad Hubs wasn't home... he would not have cared for it. He'd have eaten it, but would not have enjoyed it. He'd eat shit on a stick, if I cooked it for him... but that doesn't mean he always loves everything.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Not my kids, though... nope. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Neither of them ate anything but the spring rolls I served with it. My oldest ate a friggen grilled cheese for supper last night, for crying out loud! Drives me batty!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wrote a big post abut my daughter today, but I think I will leave it unpublished. I feel like I would be betraying her confidence, otherwise. She's a puzzle for me, though. I wish I could help her navigate her world better.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I so wish I could write tonight... I feel incredibly lonely. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My play list is on the stereo and all is quiet, otherwise... I should be in my glory, alas I am not. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Maybe a bath is the answer. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes... I think maybe that is what I will do with my evening... a hot, bubbly bath.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My head is thumping, as per the usual and the heat may feel good... it also may make it worse, hard to know ahead of time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ima go away now...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
D-Out</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-79687859018450846192019-05-14T14:41:00.001-03:002019-05-14T14:41:20.969-03:00Waiting to Exhale... or, Holding Your Breath Until You Pass Out<div style="text-align: justify;">
I detest feeling the way I do currently.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My head is killing me softly (with its song).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The depressive part of my cycle is waning, but much like a menstrual cycle that will not end, I'm left dealing with the stinky, slimy remnants of my uterus... er, brain... except I can't sop this shit up in a feminine hygiene product and throw it away. This, I gotta deal with.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My discovery of an unsettling reality yesterday sent me home in a fit of tears. I held them as best I could while still within the walls of my workplace, but once I hit the sanctity of my car, it was no holds barred. There was practically snot flying on my drive home.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Upon my arrival, my eldest child also came home... from an equally unpleasant day... and being the self-involved little shit that most teenagers are, she let fly on me. It was rough. I had pain in my head that was searing my grey matter and here she is standing in front of me, absolutely losing her shit about her stupid math teacher and his bullshittery. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I had to excuse myself and go to my room.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
There, I exploded into more tears of self pity, until I had drained the tank and was left with only the after sobs. It was around that time that Stretch sought me out and came in to continue her earlier tirade. She didn't notice my bleary eyes, nor the wet pillow beneath my face... she was intently focused on her own angst.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Typical for her age.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I gathered myself together and headed back down to the kitchen... there was work to be done. I realized whilst in the throes of despair, that there is no benefit to agonizing over my findings... it will not solve my problem. The only way around it, is straight through. I gotta suck it up and find my path.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Work is still painfully boring, but I do have a short term solution for that. I have discussed with my boss about taking an advanced excel course on line. I have a small budget for education and it fits. This will give me a few days of something to do. It will also help me moving forward in whatever I do after this job... which is something I will need to focus my attention upon at some point in the not too distant future. I'm grateful for this job at this time. It has gotten me back out into the world and forced me out of my self-inflicted withdrawal from the world. The company in the office is good and the Board, although antiquated and stubborn as fuck, provides entertainment for my silly mind.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What I need to do right now is write a book.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The problem I'm having is that everything I type is flush-able. My creativity and clever word-smithing is broken. Seemingly beyond repair. I have a few ideas that I would really like to explore, but every time I think about organizing any of them into a readable format, I snap shut just like a cow's asshole at fly time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My "Bedtime Stories" idea would be comprised of naughty stories... most of which, I already have written. I would just need to beef them up slightly. The idea would be to write short, fun to read, fantastical pieces, meant for bedtime consumption. This is seventy five percent done already! Why the hell can't I bring myself to package it up and submit it to a publisher. It isn't as though I don't know where to send it. I get emails every day looking for essays and short stories - and they PAY!!!</div>
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Is it because I am too afraid of rejection? I know I crap on my stuff all the time, but if somebody else did? I dunno if I could take that. Might I implode? If I lost the idea that I <i>could</i> write... I might lose myself all together. Seems like a gross miscalculation of risks right there.</div>
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But... if it was well received... imagine the boost that would give me. It could be life changing.</div>
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Today, I read back through some older posts from this blog. There are a few pieces of which I am proud. I know I have it in me to write in an entertaining and engaging way. I find that is helpful to me... particularly when I can look back at previous years around the same time and realize I suffer the same pain year over year... and it is going to pass... I just gotta hang in until the manic takes over again. Then my dopamine and serotonin levels will shoot up and I'll be all happy and furtive and... well... potentially dangerous again. But that is where I can create.</div>
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It's never simple with me - ever notice that? </div>
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I'd also like to write about the 'joy of financial ruin and bankruptcy' and all the fuckery that accompanies it. I don't know if my pride could take that, but it is something that is screaming to be written. I feel that if I could be funny and charming, while still imparting the level of severity that accompanies these types of decisions and solutions... if I could make the ruination of my life as a whole <i>palatable</i>, maybe I'd sell a copy or two... </div>
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Again, the risks seem a tad high.</div>
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Until the next wisp of oxygen comes my way, I'll just be over here... holding my breath... waiting to come back to life.</div>
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D-Out</div>
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Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-48344821882383117162019-05-13T14:25:00.001-03:002019-05-13T14:25:25.400-03:00OMFG!<div style="text-align: justify;">
Caution... this post may contain curse words... or, it may not. I can't decide which path I'm about to follow here.</div>
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Deep breath...</div>
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I just did the last of my income/expense statements from my bankruptcy. A task, I'll add, that we did not know we had to do until I discovered it by accident about six months ago. I only just figured out what it is they do with the information - hence my current reaction. Apparently your trustee doesn't have to tell you this information up front... only means they can keep you paying longer - which ensures the maximum return for them.</div>
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There is a plug of vomit lodged in my throat.</div>
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Based on my calculations, we are going to get a bill for over $12K for our first two years of the filing.</div>
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To put that in terms you'll understand, we need to pay $1000(+) per month just to catch up, and another $1300.00 a month so we don't slip behind this year... and if we can't pay that (which we can not...) we stay in bankruptcy until it is paid in full... all the while, for the next twelve months, we are accumulating more and more debt to them.</div>
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If anybody ever has the balls to tell me we got off easy, I am going to relieve them of said balls.</div>
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We wouldn't even have had to fucking do this if CMHC would have worked with us, rather than hiding behind our bank's policy, on our house situation. </div>
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It is incredibly challenging for me to grasp the level of inequity that is occurring here.</div>
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I'm sitting here at work, realizing that had I never gone back to work, we would not be in this situation... mind you, we wouldn't have been able to survive... but we wouldn't be in this situation, in particular... just a different one. It seems very odd to me that it is not in our best interest to recover from financial trauma... or at least not while still in bankruptcy.</div>
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Given the fact that on our last face to face meeting with our trustee's office, the guy told us we would be discharged, this is startling news. He didn't know the first thing about the people sitting in front of him... for the second time running. Hard to justify paying these people $1300+ per month to handle this filing for ... well two years running.</div>
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I may faint.</div>
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The tears that are stinging my eyes fall every now and then when I lose control over them, and there is a growing puddle under my desk where I've been allowing them to drop.</div>
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I guess all that is left to do for me is hope my CT shows a massive brain tumor... then at least I won't have to worry about it... or at least not for long. </div>
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They can't touch life insurance.</div>
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FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!!</div>
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I need to go and purge my lunch...</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2230431191973607273.post-63382285326400593012019-05-09T11:23:00.000-03:002019-05-09T11:23:31.663-03:00Yawn Fest<div style="text-align: justify;">
Holy crap, I am so bored!</div>
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I like my job, I do. </div>
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My boss is pretty cool.</div>
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Not a whole lot of responsibility.</div>
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No real stress.</div>
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The Board... well they are "The Board", but no real challenge there.</div>
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I'm just so shamefully under-employed.</div>
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I know that I have been in a place where under-employment had advantages, but lately I find I am longing for so much more from my daily activity.</div>
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Home is boring, too... and I'm supposed to covet boredom after all the 'excitement' of previous years... I just feel as though I need... more.</div>
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I want to <i>do</i> something. Maybe something great, or at the very least, something cool.</div>
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I want to write a goddamned book... but that seems like trying to go out and climb Everest to me just now. I want to have the courage to swallow my stupid, silly pride and write about the bankruptcy process and how unbelievably unprofessional the 'professionals' actually are... about losing a house... about how easily this can happen to people who never imagined they could find themselves in such a predicament.</div>
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I believe I could do such a story justice. It might even help somebody someday... who knows? </div>
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I don't have a working title for such a story... maybe something like: "Great Excavations (of Your Anal Cavity and Other Orifices)" or "Iniquitous Means... and Other Bedtime Stories".</div>
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I also want to write a sexy book and a comic strip. </div>
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I'm not doing any of these things. </div>
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Cripes, I can scarcely gather up enough words to cover a blog post most days... and the only reason I am hammering away today is because I am literally so fucking bored at my job, that I may pop something if I don't find some occupation for my wandering mind. </div>
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I have done all the 'make work' projects I have been able to invent. Everything is organized. Every spread sheet is made and filed and backed up. The office supplies are up to date. The dishes are done and the stupid microwave is even clean. Receivables are at an all time low because I literally have nothing to do but create clever emails to entice member payment. I am congratulated at every meeting for such stellar performance... and the sad sad truth is, these people have absolutely no earthly idea how capable I truly am.</div>
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I am seriously wasted on this position... yet it pays better than most options out there for my (formal) education level. I need to go back to school and get some sort of designation... I'm thinking accounting. I do 75% of the accounting for this place - not that their books are very complicated; Invoices out, payments in, bills paid, cheques printed and taxes quarterly - bada boom, bada bing - Bob's your uncle. I do all the posting now. I don't think it would be a major stretch to expand into full accounting. </div>
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I think I would actually enjoy forensic accounting... just not for the CRA. I couldn't stomach that.</div>
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Maybe on some mob task force... that'd be fun. Figuring out how they launder their money... following all the false paper trails. I could see me enjoying a job like that. My eyes might jump outta my head at some point, but I could imagine it tickling that organizational part of my wonky brain.</div>
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Speaking of... I got the date for my CT scan. It's at 6:40 am on a Tuesday. Sweet Jesus! I'm gonna have to leave my house at 5:30 to get there on time! </div>
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Oh well... at least it is soon. I won't be waiting for six months to get this done. I'm still scared. This headache of mine has become such a part of my everyday now... I might even miss it at this point. </div>
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Just kidding. This headache can go get bent.</div>
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I just don't want them to find anything wrong with my brain. I've had some dizziness and a few other symptoms that are likely nothing, but when you are worried about a particular health issue, it ALL seems relevant to that pessimistic part of your thought process. I may complain about life a whole big bunch, but I do not want to die. </div>
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I do not want that to be part of my kids' stories.</div>
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I do not want to miss out on my grand babies... they are what I'm holding out for now.</div>
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Honestly, I think I would still have another baby... just to give me a purpose. Mine don't seem to really need me much these days.</div>
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But then I would be subjecting yet another human life to this world we have created. Ulch. That wouldn't be very nice of me.</div>
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Wow! That took a turn quickly.</div>
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I think I will go and pour over my receivables for a while... maybe see if the website needs any updating or look for a drawer to clean out. Gah! I need an occupation!</div>
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D-Out</div>
Danica-Dragonflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13211849231665337448noreply@blogger.com0