Thursday, September 30, 2010

Getting rid of unwanted hair--One woman's story

I did not write this, but I so wish I had. This is the funniest thing I have EVER read!

One of the dilemmas of womanhood: Getting rid of unwanted hair--One woman's story


All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal: the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now . The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple
hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in peace.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever).   No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works.

You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass.  (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!

So with my next wax strip, I'll move north.

After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom forThe Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)  I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind from the pain! . Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums?

OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic
gold medalist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.

I see hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooooo!! 

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake -- up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.  Vagina? Sealed shut.  Ass? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to shit anytime soon.  Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.

Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in. The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

Wrong.

I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I sit. 

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued  together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck in the tub -- literally!

I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.

It's never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are tuck to the tub."  She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XXX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."

While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned  to other subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from Liz and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.

I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday Funnies

I thought perhaps due to some general malaise in the bloggy world this week ... some mine ... some belonging to other people that matter in my world.

I was going to write about stuff today, but I think this might be a better idea for Friday.

Without further ado ... I give you Friday Funnies:

Creation:

A little girl asked her  Mom, "How did the human race appear?"   
The Mom
  answered, "God  made Adam and Eve and they had children, 
and so was all mankind made.." 


 

Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.   
The Dad answered,
 
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."  

 



The confused girl returned to her  mother and said, 
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
 
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"  
 
The Mom answered,
 
"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family
 
and your father told you about his.."

New Study:

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

The hypnotist…


I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotized 7 men, then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "F#@K Me"......

What happened next will haunt me forever.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

If Facebook Had Always Been Around

K - I totally lifted this from my friend's FB page. It is just so funny, I had to share.














































Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Blush

I was all set to continue the "evolution of a grumpy mood" today in my post ... but then I read this post over at Grasshoppa's place and now I can't seem to locate my cranky.

I am totally ripping this idea off from Tiffany at On The Verge who is so incredibly cool and writes the best stuff ... I just love her ... you should go have a peek. 

Where was I? Oh ... yeah ... I was thieving her word: Blush ... that's a Blog Crush. I have a whole lot of 'em. Some who post all the time ... some who post once in a blue moon ... and lots in between. But today, I am going to concentrate my affection on The Grasshoppa. She is a mom to a teenager, 5 yr old triplets and a baby dumplin, and the wife of a pirate. 

She is all kinds of awesome and I just absolutely love her.

You don't need to go all crazy reading a zillion brilliant posts (though I've no doubt there are that many to read) but I encourage you strongly to go over and read this. It isn't a long post ... will take only a few brief moments of your time ... but it will make your heart happy ... and your mood light. 

Worked for me.

Go on ... right here ... I've made it all easy ... just click here.




Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Slowly Crazy Going Am I ...

My baby started school this year.

Had I mentioned this?

My B.A.B.Y. 









The last ... fruit ... from.my ... loins ... That just seems wrong to put into print, somehow.












I can NOT believe that this same itty bitty puddin pop is all growed up enough to attend public school.


Look at the two of them ... traitors!
They BOTH grew up on me!




It seems an impossibility that this adorable little diapered bottom could possibly be turned out into the world









... all by herself ... no safety net... gulp.









Though, this one has moxie ... it can't be denied.









But she done grew up on me ...











Here's proof right here ...





Look at how confident she is. She's got the world by the arse.





Now, she's coming into her own.








Apparently this is code for "Mommy knows nothing and I don't have to listen to her anymore". Yup. My gorgeous little Boo-Bear has learned how best to hone her 'tude. Everyone tells me she is simply testing her boundaries ... just trying to figure out where she belongs in her newly expanded world. 

I have a few suggestions ... like perhaps a priest hole ... or storm cellar for an hour or two to cool her heels.

I had grown accustomed to her older sister's aggressive and loud ways. Had made as much peace with the fact that she was going to have disciplinary issues as we moved through her schooling and subsequent social growth. Stretch is very intelligent, and I am learning this comes with a certain price where her general attitude is concerned ... but my babe ... she was going to be the easier child. She promised me .... with an unconscious consent ... when I whispered it into her little blond curls.

It's like having my heart ripped out of my chest ... still beating with that unfettered adoration of early motherhood ... only to have it dropped to the floor into an un-swept pile of dust bunnies and dog hair ... discarded for a video game, or a match of torture-your-sister-for-shits-and-giggles. 

Such an important part of me longs to weep ... and wept, I have. I finished the 7th book in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series last week and, not all that far from the end, a major character dies. It is sad ... don't get me wrong - but I wept openly for well over three hours after reading it.

Three.Hours.

My husband kept walking past me with a look of abject fear on his face ... I'm sure he was thinking I had finally flipped my bicky and was frantically trying to remember where I filed the life insurance policies.

I'm a little better now ... well except that right on the heels of my morose mood ... a vile and evil one moved in. Poor Dani's Hubs ... poor poor Hubs. Send him beer ... and possibly a club ... for protection ... and some kleenex ... and maybe a map to the file cabinet.

You, too can prevent forest fires divorce.

Send help!

...and Captain ... or Wodka ... or Valium ... do it NOW!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Pffft

I am in an evil mood.

Well, let me rethink that.

I am in an evil and volatile mood.

Kinda like vitriol in a blender ... on high speed ... that someone carelessly lit on fire ... near a fire works factory.














Boom.

My family is jumpy.

I called out to hubs last night and he didn't hear me the first time, so I had to call a second time.

He apologized at least twenty seven and a half times.

I told him it was alright ... not to worry. He seemed a little shaky. I've no idea why...

















...may have had something to do with the fact that I resembled this lovely fella while calling.

I think it is possible to sum up my current state of mind with the following:

Friday, September 10, 2010

It's the Most Wonderful Day of the Week...

I love Friday.

No, really - I do.

It's kinda like looking at a present before all the pretty wrapping is torn off.                                           
                                                                                                  












This is a cake!


Yeah ... I really do enjoy the anticipation, don't you?

The last day of the work week ... looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow ... making the impossible lists of things to accomplish in the next two days of freedom. DAMN! I love this day!

Well ... until Saturday afternoon comes. Then I am all OMG! Where is the weekend going? I haven't got anything done! I'm gonna have to do double time tomorrow! It's at that point that your beautifully wrapped pressie is, in fact...

An ugly pair of socks








Or in my case ... six baskets full of dirty, ugly socks ... and face cloths, towels, stained kids clothing and drawers with varying degrees of filth.

Good times.

Yeah - Friday is like a mini Christmas Eve ... every week... which, in turn, makes Sunday like the day you get all the credit card bills. It's a roller coaster ... wheeeeeee!

So, that said ... I wish you each a happy Friday and a painless Sunday with good points in between.

D-out


Name Graphics

Friday, September 3, 2010

Hurricane Earl Update

In light of the fact that our weather forecasters aren't even close to agreeing with each other currently on the path and ferocity of this impending storm ... Hubs and I have decided to utilize an old Cape Breton weather forecasting method.

That oughtta cover it.

2 Posts in 2 Days? tha' HELL?

Well ... it's Friday. Can I get a "Woot Woot!"?

It is still as hot as I imagine Hell to be ... though I'm somewhat hopeful Hell has a "dry heat" rather than this humidity. OY! It's like drinking your oxygen. I'm so tired of being covered in a perpetual film of bodily fluid, I could cry ... wait ... I mean ... stand still, while water escapes my body from every orifice (and then some) that I have... wait ... already doing that. *sigh* Forget it.

We don't have a/c in the house ... well, let me clarify: My mother has an a/c unit in her sitting room - so I am PAYING for a/c, I just don't get to benefit from it in any way shape or form. Nor do her close neighbors in the upstairs portion of my house ... you know - my kids? They have difficulty sleeping when it is really hot like it has been this past several days. But Mom keeps her door closed until she goes to bed and then uses my fan to blow the cold air from her sitting room into her bedroom. 

I'm being petty, aren't I? If I wanted a/c so bad, I should have simply bought a unit for the kids' room - right?

I suppose it's not as bad as the night I walked by her sitting room to note the a/c unit on full tilt, but her sitting under a blanket in front of it. I think something snapped inside my head that day.

I have digressed ... again.

So - this weekend promises to be ... er ... wet. Great. More wetness. The heat wave is supposed to go with the ass end of hurricane Earl, though - which means I may actually be able to clean my house properly without drowning myself in my own sweat. Don't laugh ... I'm fairly certain this is a real and present danger to my health. My kiddles are still struggling with the routine of school ... well, it has only been two mornings, after all. 

I am having difficulty too. I haven't done the "flipping of the wardrobes" as yet due to the heat ... and they've got most of their summer stuff either ruined or they've grown out of it. So, dressing the little nippers has been a pleasure, let me tell ya. My youngest grew an inch and three quarters since April ... that is a big jump.

Last weekend, we had that yard sale I've been threatening all summer. It cleared out a surprising amount of crap from the basement. I guess I'll use the fact that we are no longer going away as an excuse to finish cleaning up the basement and get the girls' clothes in order for the school year.

I guess that is the extent of my babbling today. I'll leave you with a sage passage from my email account this morning: (Happy Friday!)

A real man is a woman's best friend. 
He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be her most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible self.
 


 No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of liquor. It's liquor that is a woman's best friend.



Thursday, September 2, 2010

School Daze and DNA and Hurricanes ... Oh My

My baby started school today.

I'm okay with it, she's totally ready. She's so mature. 

... still. 

She's my baby. 

My youngest offspring. 

My last child. 

I mentioned to hubs as we walked across the lawn from the bus stop, that it was a really good thing we did the whole "big V" BEFORE today ... as I am suddenly longing for itty bitty baby things to be a part of my life again. 

He put his arm around me and smiled a knowing smile.

I hadn't cried ... until then. Sigh.

It's all good.

*********

Yesterday afternoon, my two little doglinks used half of my brand new cotton swabs to do DNA testing on each other. 

Their goal was to prove they were super heroes. 

Oh. My.

*********

So ... Hurricane Earl is heading straight for us. In fact, the eye of the storm is at this stage, projected to pass right over my community.





You see right where that category 1 hurricane passes over NS? Yeah, I live on that water.

Right there in that little inlet off the Bay of Fundy ... yeppers, right there.







We were supposed to go to Cape Breton for this last long weekend of summer. The plan had been to take the trailer for one last trip before we sell it ... and now ...

No trip.

My kids are pissed.

I'm rather interested to see what happens. 

We've been collecting all the crap from the lawn and ensuring everything is well secured.

Making sure there is loads of water stockpiled... and batteries ... and candles ... and of course, some Captain. Can't head into a hurricane without the Captain. :)

Wish me luck ... and send more Captain.

D - out