Friday, April 30, 2010

Happy Birthday, Platitude Paradise

Happy bloggy-birfday to meee .... and the inception of Danica Dragonfly




Today marks my three hundred and sixty fifth day as a blogger. Yay!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

WIMTS ... with Chief

Hello Bleeps!




It is time, once more to enter the world of What I Meant to Say with Chiefy. I have been negligent in my MeMe participation of late and this is one of my faviest favs. Without further ado ...

Set up:
Yesterday was a tough day. I was torn three new assholes (coz I needed more of those around). 

Let me clear something up right here - I do not get told off by clients ... know why?? Because I do good work. Even people that I can not help aren't usually angry because they know in their hearts that I exhausted every possible avenue I could find before saying I couldn't do what they wanted. 

This job sucks the marrow out of me lately and I am so sick to death of the myriad "BS" through which I must sift daily ... weekly ... monthly ... annually that I sometimes feel like over dosing on  "Benefibre" and shitting myself to death (which I may or may not choose to do at Chiefs after her post today). Even still, I do my best to be the best darned purveyor of mortgage financing there evah wuz ... or at minimum - I try to provide good, trustworthy and personable service.

Enter Dirk Dickler. Let me just say (for those of you not following along) I hate this little douche-nozzle. This slimy piece of used car salesman excrement could pucker up and kiss my ass if I could just find a way for him to do it while maintaining a 50 meter perimeter around me. *shudders* He lies ... and cheats ... and panders ... and has a serious Napoleon complex. Dude has issues. 'Twas Dirk's clients - all three - that finally had enough of him not returning calls and not coming through with what he had promised that lashed out looking for the next person in command ... which truly isn't me - I have no power at all (except when excrement and fan-like devices are involved ... then it's all me, baby)

This was how I wound up spending my valuable time (which might have been spent performing my own do-it-yourself appendectomy) listening to THREE SEPARATE TALES OF WOE .... which promptly turned into fits of rage when they realized that the information given them from the onset was utterly FALSE (bravado - if I may interject). Below is an excerpt of ONE such conversation.

What I said:

Ma'am (I didn't really use Ma'am as it is something that infuriates me, but I really shouldn't call her crazy phone lady ... ah, what the hay) CrazyPhoneLady (see, it loses sincerity), I understand your frustration (between fits of expletives headed my way) with the situation, and I apologize for the experience you have had to this point, but I have your file now and I may be able to (insert what she wants) if you allow me an opportunity to try. (She didn't want me to fix it - she just wanted to scream at my ear for a little longer.)

WIMTS: 

Crazy Phone Lady, please stop using the "F word" as a noun, verb and adverb and at least stick to the more common adjective usage. Now, Dirk ... yeah, well he's a douche-nozzle and if you didn't pick that up in a 30 second conversation - shame on you, dumb-ass. He slithers when he talks and has a  forked tongue - what did you expect? Yeah - you're educated ... didn't pick up the stench of BS wafting from his personage, didja??  Get bent.

So ... there ya'll have it ... another day in the life.

Stay tuned for Confessions with Glamazon on Friday when I disclose the location of Dirk's various body parts ... I don't have to touch him to kill him, right??

Friday, April 16, 2010

Thursday, April 15, 2010

I'm Sorry ... Sooo Sorry ...

Please accept .... MAH ah-pologeeee.

I was asked ... ever so nicely, by one of my faviest bloggy bleeps to remove my word verification ... and like the pliable little doobie I like to present myself as ... I obliged.

Then ... it happened. 12 ... that is TWELVE spam messages attacked one of my posts. ATTACKED! I SAID!!

So, it's back on ... the fight against spam... and the word verification. I hope this does not deter any bloggy comments, but if it does - it is what I must do to protect my otherwise unguarded borders.

I guess with me, the spam-itos of the interwebs find my particular brand of blogginess to be sweet smelling and tasty. Not unlike the blood sucking critters that over run my yard every summer ... oh  ... wait ... mosquitoes are attracted to smelly stuff ... HEY!! Are they saying my stuff STINKS? *Throws down keyboard and stomps away*


Monday, April 12, 2010

Eyvi! W-T-F???

K! I'm gonna have a pity party. Anyone who is uncomfortable with that best pass on by this post.

I'll wait while you make your loud ass departure.

*plays jeopardy theme*

Eyvi? What the fuck are you trying to do to me? I know you are busy and I know you are all hopped up on your new job pheromones and all single parent-y with Mr. Sprite being away ... but DAMN WOMAN!!! You PROMISED you'd stay in touch. I do not make friends easily ... I am socially stunted - REMEMBER? I need constant coddling and reminders that I am at least modestly tolerable to be in the physical presence of ... HI!!! Re-FUCKING-meber me?? You can't do this to me ... you just can't.

This, from the spy cam strategically mounted under my desk ...



 I am fragile ... for all my crusty exterior...
If possibly a little nutty...


You left me alone here to tough it out with Narci ol' boy and my esteemed co worker,



And now SHE'S had a job interview that went REALLY well and is fully expecting to get "the call" to a new job life ... and this should all take place during the two weeks Narci is in Europe.



Did I mention he decided to NOT replace you? Did I mention that he cares not about the contractual agreement made with our resident lessees?  Did I mention that when he does bother to hire, he intends to do so with a person who is: good on the phone, makes telemarketing calls - in the evening, is trained to do both MY job and that of my esteemed co-worker ...and all for the tidy sum of $10 per hour? No, I guess I did NOT mention this as I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM YOU!!! (...and just in case you are thinking it - no, I can NOT call YOU as that would fly in the face of my needy, if crusty demeanor ... not to mention further stunting me emotionally if you were not available to indulge me)

So, to sum up the preceding blitherance:  You are gone ... Narci will be in Europe, Mrs. Cranky McBossypants will have another job and who, precisely, do you think will be expected to hold down the fort? 

Hm? Dirk Dickler??



I think NOT.
Eeyore McSookydrawers??




Good GAWD - get him some tissue, Tito ...


 
Sweety McSquishycheeks??

(well, perhaps Sweety McSquishycheeks may pitch in ... he's my ONLY hope there)


But ... no ... I'm thinking it's gonna be good ol' Dani McSuicidewatch.







Poor Dani *strokes own hair* what a sin ... poor, poor Dani.







Please don't leave me, Eyvi ... I still need you.

Friday, April 9, 2010

The Great Degu Escape of 2010

So last night, my hubs was attempting to be a good li'l doobie and was cleaning out the degu cage. You remember my degus, yes? The little divas that they are ...

They are of the rodent persuasion.

Yeah ... he had taken the top 'cage part' off the base and sat it down on the kitchen floor. This enabled him to clean the bottom without letting the little darlings out. All was working out well ... see normally, the 'ladies' get some time to run around free in what is now referred to as "the degu room" - it is one of the unused bedrooms upstairs. That was until one of them got hurt and since then, they have not been out. A situation, it would seem, with which they have taken umbrage.

All was going as planned and the cage bottom was upside down in the kitchen sink - air drying ... when bedtime reared its ugly head. The girls needed to be put to bed and, in a hurry to do so, hubs neglected to put the bottom back on the cage. Something I'm certain he thought would be fine - as it was sitting firmly on the floor ... and it is a really big and heavy cage.

While upstairs fighting with my children to (please, FOR THE LOVE OF BOB!!!) go to sleep, I heard my dog downstairs, bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean. I took notice (mainly because it was impeding my ability to knock my kids out, thus pissing me severely off) but figured he was just torturing Mom's cat. Roughly ten minutes later, I went down to have a look at what was going on. Cooper was nowhere to be found and (O-M- FARKITY-G!!!) the cage was empty! It seems my little Houdini's had pried the corners apart and escaped. DRAT! 
I may have mentioned before that the house we are living in currently is big? Well ... when looking for three very fast, very small and very shack happy rodents, the size of that place is a few miles past daunting. You know, I think I came up with a few new swear words last night. The little booger-naughts were AWOL! GONZO! FLEW DA COOP! GONE GONE GONE-BIN GONE SO LONG... argh.

THREE HOURS! An hour per critter! That is how long it took us to trap the little shits. We got two of them trapped in the living room by closing it off, but catching them wasn't exactly easy - even once narrowed to one room, they are like greased lightning. Holy frickin' crap, people! I was stressed. I wound up collapsing into bed around 1:00 am with visions of degus dancing in my head.

Note to self ... Never ... nevernevernevernever lose the degus in the house again - K? HUBS?!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Honest, eh??


So ... I have been nominated for another blog award - Thanks, Spot ...
(Did that sound sarcastic ... it really wasn't supposed to ... it was meant sincerely ... it was ... I mean it)


The Rules Are:

1. Thank the person giving you the award. Check
2. Post a link to their blog. Check
3. Post the award on your blog. Check
4. Post 7 tidbits you're readers don't know. Check
5. Hand it out to ten other bloggers. Check
6. Post links to their blogs. Check
7. Post a link letting those bloggers know. Screw that ... if you want your award ... you gotta come and get it, sunshine.


So - I have done this a few times already, and anybody who has read this for any amount of time likely already knows most of the sordid details ... but I'll try.

1. I am slightly OCD. Like ... when I hang clothes on the line, they must run from largest to smallest or vice/versa ... or my head spins around. OR when there is paper towel on the roll with a ragged end not torn off properly, I can't leave it ... must.break.evenly. OR ... oh this one is really bad ... when I am listening to music on something that measures the volume by numbers ... the number MUST be even ... NO IDEA WHY. My nano goes up to 25 ... and I always have to stop at 24.

2. I am addicted to check marks. I make lists all the time to keep me on track ... sometimes even putting things on the list I have already done - just so I can reward myself with a check

3. I am addicted to blistix. I have been for most of my life. If I do not put my blistix on my kisser before I go to bed, I wake up with dry, hurty lips.

4. I used to roller skate ... like every single weekend ... at a place called (are ya ready for this?) Wheelies! It was soooo fun! 

5. I am the single guiltiest person I know ... truly - I feel responsible for shit that doesn't even happen any where near me. Famine in Africa - uh ... Dani, you did not donate ... Earthquake in Haiti ... uh, Dani ... you wished for an early Spring and the cosmic shift of that event has caused our warm weather to start earlier that ever this year ... you see where I'm going, right? I'm crazy ... like certifiable.

6. I do not like scary movies ... I still have nightmares about Hannibal Lecter and Freddie Krueger.

7. One of my most favorite things in the world to do is get behind the wheel of a car ... crank some bitchen tunes and just drive ... with the window open and the warm breeze guiding my hand/arm plane on the current. It fills my heart with joy.


Phew! 
K - I fear if I divulge anything else about myself ... you people will go away. If you haven't already...


This particular award is meant to celebrate brute honesty in a blogger. My list contains blog pages I really find are honest and pure. Another two would be The Grasshoppa & The Screenplay - two of my faves ... already have this award... and of course, Spot ... the giver of great things :) Without further ado ...


The nominees for "Honest Scrap" are:

1) Amethyst Anne @ The Lunch Hour

2) Brite @ ...but I digress

3) Melinda Arnold @ Melinda Arnold


5) Cindy (even though she's likely to kill me for it) @ All In My Head



8) Eyvi Sprite (even though she never writes anymore and she abandoned me) @ Everyone's Entitled to my Opinion

You know what ... that's all I'm gonna put down ... 'cause everyone else on my blog roll either has this one already or will hunt me down and keel me for including them on the list (actually - most of the names on this list are likely to do so as it is).

As most of you know ... I am an avid rule breaker ... you have my permission to bend, break or even dispense with the rules of this lil' game and just display your badge like the proud internet geeks you are. K?

Happy Easter, Bleeks!