Thursday, October 29, 2009

In Honor of Halloween

Oh how I loved The Shining ...

This is all I have this early in the day. Plus, I have to do actual work this morning - I KNOW, RIGHT???

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Happy 70th, John Cleese!!

And if just ONE of you asks me who that is, I swear - I'll lose it!!

Greatest comedy of all time (in my humble opinion)

Too damned funny - WATCH

...I waive my private parts at your aunties (too) ...

It's No Whining Wednesday again...

Okay - I realize I missed last week.

Last week, I subscribed to the concept that if you couldn't say sumping nice (or in my case, bitingly sarcastic) - say nothing at all ... sooooo, I said nothing.

This week, however I have my happy place in my sights and my intention is to scratch the hell outta that suckah.

I have decided to make a list of things I love. Yup ... dats it, and here goes (in no particular order):

Sunrise - not that I see it often (and this really only works if you stay up until) but there is most certainly magic in a sunrise ... you can almost taste it.

Renovating/home design - I dig it. It's something my hubby and I have been doing for the past 10 years together and I never really get tired of dreaming up new designs.

Drinking - yeah, I know ... d'uh. Really though liver may disagree, but I love to drink. It's good.

Science - I really love science stuff .. you know, space and geology and the study of the ocean ... even biology ... I dig it.

Watching a movie on TV that you had no idea was going to be good - seriously, is there anything better? Okay, there are better things, but it's nice -you gotta admit.

Bare feet in warm (not hot) sand - oh man ... that is serious therapy right there.

Listening to the awesomest of awesome music while driving along a secondary, scenic highway with a super wicked stereo and no distractions... oh ... I wanna go do that right now.

Cooking when I don't have to - I really enjoy cooking. I think there must be some Italian in my blood somewhere, I just really hate cooking under duress. That bites. But when I can fiddle around with recipes and take my time ... the love flows.

My dog, Cooper ... how could you not love this face?
(date is screwey on my camera)

A clothes line full of crisp, clean linen. Sounds odd perhaps, but it fills my heart with joy.

Painting - I realize two things: 1) this could fall under renos/design & 2) Painting is like work ... but it is so rewarding it deserved its own line and it makes such a massive difference to a room it is nutz!

My bloggy buds. Srsly ... I love you guys ... ooops - maybe no drinking while blogging :)

Technology - let's face it. We live in a world where you can have a baked potato in under 6 minutes. What more could you want from life?

Impromptu parties - hasn't happened to me in a long time, but I so love a good party that wasn't pre planned.

and finally for today ...

Christmas - oh man ... do I love Christmas. I married Tim "the tool man" Taylor/Clarke Griswold. You can likely see our house from space at Christmas time. We are a little on the daft side where this holiday is concerned - but I do love it.

Okay - so for today, that's sufficient.

It's my offering for this edition of NWW :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Props for another blogger

You need to go here CLICK RIGHT HERE and read this poem.

I think this is really REALLY good, and I wanted to share (with anyone who didn't already follow "Spot") her delightfully creepy poem.

Just do it - OKAY??

Answers to Sunday's quiz

Alright - I won't do this again ... my bad. GP wins my undying respect and admiration even though he hate Alanis' CD. Eyvi - you were a close 2nd and you already have my unyielding respect and admiration.
AVP - you were the first to guess Floyd ... but had the wrong song ... though it was an unfair question since their song titles are obscure at best.
Great effort Spot!
Thanks for answering first, Xtreme - you ROCK!

Here are the answers ... sorry my musical repertoire is not to your liking ... (some of you) but I have no plans to change it any time soon. I encourage all you ladies to have a gander at the conveniently included vid for Chris Cornell's Scream. Isn't he lovely??? Thanks again Eyvi - my dreams'll never be the same now that you've introduced us.

1) Throwing out the blame when you know it ain't my fault
Messing with my brain when you want to see me fall
Chris Cornell - Scream ... and thank YOU Eyvi for bringing this fantabulous man into my little world *wipes drool from lips*    See Video Here

2) I got me a car, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail ... I got me a car, it seats about 20 so hurry up and bring your juke box money
B-52's - Love Shack

3) I've got a freaky old lady, name o'Cocaine Katie who emroiders all my jeans
Dr Hook - Cover Of The Rollin' Stone For U Eyvi

4) So you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Pink Floyd - Time ... album Dark Side of the Moon (one of my favs...) Watch Here

5) Take another shot of courage wonder why the right words never come you just get numb
Eagles (I'm disappointed, guys-only GP and Spot got this one...) Tequila Sunrise ... this was a 'give'  Watch Here

6) Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, two down, nobody on, no score,
bottom of the ninth, there's the wind-up and there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go. This boy can really fly!

Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Lights (My hubby & I sang this to each other at our weddin' - I was 5 mos preggers at the time) This also came from the Greatest Hits Compo

7) Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat" - "We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine ... And the moon rose over an open field
Simon & Garfunkle - America album I got it from was Greatest Hits They still got it!! Watch

8) Images of sorrow, pictures of delight - things that go to make up a life
Genesis - Home By The Sea ...album: Genesis (wicked album) See Here

9) you said "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died i'd be filled
with such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die any time soon"

Alanis Morissette - I Was Hoping - album: Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie

10) Come on down to the mermaid cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine
And well laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down
Joni Mitchell - Carey ... excellent job, Eyvi!!  Here

Monday, October 26, 2009

Alright Bitches!!!

Play my effing quiz, damnit!!!

I don't care if you email or post in the comments ... just play with me, damnit!!!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Quiz ... Thanks for the Idear, Xtreme!

Okay ... so I've caught the quiz bug from Xtreme . Here's the deal, I have painstakingly typed out lyrics from some of my music repatoire. Whoever can figure out the song/artist/group ... whatevs ... wins! What do you win, you may ask?? My respect and admiration for being so damned kool and having a varied and vast music appreciation. (My money is on Eyvi, since her musical taste is fairly similar to mine ... but Spot seems to live inside my head sometimes ... so not so sure ... PS - speaking of ghost stories... is it terribly scary in there, Spot???)

Here goes:

 1) Throwing out the blame when you know it ain't my fault
Messing with my brain when you want to see me fall

2) I got me a car, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail ... I got me a car, it seats about 20 so hurry up and bring your juke box money

3) I've got a freaky old lady, name o'Cocaine Katie who emroiders all my jeans

4) So you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking

5) Take another shot of courage wonder why the right words never come you just get numb

6) Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, two down, nobody on, no score,
bottom of the ninth, there's the wind-up and there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go. This boy can really fly!

7) Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat" - "We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine ... And the moon rose over an open field

8) Images of sorrow, pictures of delight - things that go to make up a life
9) you said "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died i'd be filled
with such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die any time soon"

10) Come on down to the mermaid cafe and I will buy you a bottle of wine
And well laugh and toast to nothing and smash our empty glasses down

Alrighty roo ... email your answers to and I will award the person with the most correct answers with my undying admiration ... no cheating, bitches!!

Award Number 2 ... Kreativ Blogger

Alrighty-roo ... this is the second award I snagged for myself - again, thanks Spot. You'll make my head get fat.

For this one, I am supposed to tell you stuff about myself that you don't already know. (You have to do this too if you are tagged as my "awardee's") :

1) I still love my hubby's ass. Even after all these years and all the things I know about it and what it is capable of ... it still butters my muffin.

2) I do not like tomatoes. I have tried. I just can't do it. It's too much like eating an eyeball. Even salsa (which I love) must be run through a blender first or I can not eat it.

3) I have a serious aversion to eyes. Seriously - do NOT rub yer fricken eyeballs in my presense. Ask Eyvi, she's really bad for that.

4) I quit highschool at the age of 17 (beginning of grade 11). I never went back. Got my grade 12 via correspondance when I was 22. (In case you are curious, I flipped my bicky and wound up so chronically agoraphobic, I couldn't leave my house for 6 months, and even after that - it's been a long road back to sane .... I'll let you know if I ever make it there)

5) I have an unusual attachment to the ocean. I disappear when near it... I think I was possibly a whale or turtle or maybe a stingray in a previous life. I wanted (more than anything) to be a marine biologist when I was a kid ... and a teen ... and even as an adult. I am fascinated whenever anything ocean related is avaiable to be watched or read.

6) I LOVE to sing. Even used to write music at one time. I could play flute, piccalo, sax, clarinet and oboe as a teen. Still have my flute, but haven't picked it up in years. There was a time in my life that I was even part of the Canadian Conservatory in their vocal program ... alas, as with most things in my little world - I found some reason not to follow my bliss. I was a strong vocalist. My voice has lost it's strength and the muscles required to sing with any sort of power are out of shape ... boy, sounds like the rest of my muscles... the closest voice I can compare mine to would be Steve Perry from Journey. I used to be able to sing Journey so well even my ego-maniacle ex boyfriend couldn't believe how good it was. (Of course his opinion is a valid measure of my worth ... where is that damned sarcasm font???)  My Mom and I sang a duet that Barbara Streisand and Celine Dion did once and knocked the socks off our little audience. Unfortunately I had to be Celine :(.

7) I am an incredibly spiritual person - but I detest any sort of organized religion. I really do believe in a higher (as well as a lower) power. I need to in order to continue with this madness.

8) I have become a very unhappy person. I really hate that... and you ... and everybody else ... kidding. Seriously - I am not a happy person and I really should be. Other than money and a boss I don't want to castrate with a splintery wooden spoon ... I have nearly everything I ever wanted ... except perhaps fitting into a size 6 (oh hell ... I'd settle for a 12 - who am I kidding???)

9) I learned to view sex as a weapon at a relatively early age. It took my hubby a long time to overcome that. I was involved in a relationship with a married couple when I was 19. They were roughly my age only slightly older. I derived an enormous sense of belonging and misplaced trust in that highly disfunctional relationship. They wound up dumping me and several years later when they split up, 'she' tracked me down and we struck up a brief relationship of our own (and yeah ... it was physical too). I found out some things that were so painful at the time, that it left some fairly deep scars on my psyche... I've not had a functioning, female friendship since, really... not an overly close one anyway. That coupled with an event from my childhood and an ex boyfriend who sexually flogged me for five years ... I had trouble combining love and sex for a really long time. Remember this tale if ever you are trying to talk your wife into a threesome guys ...

10) I am a wannabe super mom. I'm REALLY not one ... but I truly want to be one.

There you have it ... 10 things you likely didn't (need to) know about me.

My nominations for this award are:

Eyvi Sprite 
'cause you are talented and without you, I'd have never done this bloggy thang.
Cindy D (whose blog is not open to public viewing)
'cause you are a tremendous person and your talent makes me insanely jealous.
Meeko Fabulous
'cause you are a friggen scream and you deserve another nod.

Here's yer award ...

And the award for most over the top goes to...

Okay - I have the astute pleasure of passing on my blog award. (Thanks very much Spot - it's oddly spine tingling when someone luvs ya enough to pass out an award ...)

So ... there are a couple of blogs that fall into this category for me. I'm not 100% certain I am clear on the rules, but I seem to have issues with rules anyway, so screw it - I'll wing it :)

My favorite "Over the Top" blog is Welcome to Stabby Mart. Doran - you make my tummy hurt. There's a good chance you may not be as knocked over by this nomination as I am - as you seem to march to your own drum ... but you are the top of that list for me. Consider yourself awarded :)

Next on that list (other than two of my favs already in posession of this ... U know who you are Mark n Spot) would be Meeko Fabulous at Ramblings of a Disgruntled Secretary. You are a scream ... and you make me laugh whenever your post.

So - I am told I have to perform some sort of thingy in order to get my award ... but I don't remember what this one is and since I can wantonly steal the pic of the award from the interwebs ... well screw it - MINE!!! You can do the same ... but only if you have been nominated ... or I'll shank ya!!

Here's yer award:

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My Degus are Divas

My children have their very own pets. Smelly, poopie, rodent pets. They are "degus" ... that's "day-goos" and not "day-goes" as my mother lovingly refers to them. They are pretty cute, really ... and wicked smart. Here's what they look like:

Kinda cute, right? Well ... I thought so too ... until this past weekend when I learned the ugly truth about Degus ... they are fricken DIVAS!!! DIVUS, if you will.

We have a special mix of food for the little darlings that consists of pellets that do not contain gluten or molasses of any sort (which incidentally is MUCH more expensive than the other) and an assortment of special seeds. We have to "prepare" this mixture as the pet stores do not. Well ... we ran out of seeds at the end of last week. Not pellets, but seeds. Nobody forewarned me, but apparently this was specifically written into their contracts, the little darlins - because the broo-ha-ha that ensued left me wondering what kind of little critters we had in there.

They each have their own dish ... I know what you are thinking ('cause I thought it too when we got them) but they DO know to whom each dish belongs... and just so you are forewarned ... just let the wrong one eat out of one of 'em ... not. pretty. Hubby had cleaned the cage on Friday and filled each dish with pellets, but no seeds. From what I understand this is in direct violation of section 17, subsection 6, paragraph 2 of the "Welcome to Your New Full Time Job - Degus!!" contract.

I realize I am known for my flare for overstating the drama by times ... I can own that. But these three are like having the Gabor sisters in a cage! In fact ... I secretly call them Zsa Zsa, Eva and Magda (although officially their names are: Pinky, Cutie and Furry).

So, I come home this past Friday evening, with my monsters (my children) in tow. It's the end of a trying week. In fact, it was the end of a trying day ... I had stayed late to have a discussion with Narci that was unpleasant to say the very least (more on that another day). I think it's safe to say I was not in the bestest of humour and I had dinner to make and a house to clean and crazy kids to wrangle ... so I wasn't overly chipper. I'm working away in the kitchen and suddenly, I hear this very loud crash ... it's coming from the mud room (which is where the Degus cage lives). I look in the cage and all three of them are sitting there - looking right at me ... daring me (okay, I may have imagined that ... or did I?). I'm looking in the cage to see what might've made the noise and all of a sudden ... SMASH!!! Zsa Zsa had picked up her (ceramic) dish and drifted it across the cage where it hit the bars and flung the pellets out onto the floor. That's when I noticed the contents of the first dish also on the floor and the overturned ceramic dish of Eva's.

"All right, you plague infested poop factories ... WTF???" *laughing like a fool* "Can I assume you don't fancy the pellets?"

Making a mental note to myself to get some seeds ASAP ... before they start lighting fires, I cleaned up the mess and went back to cooking dinner. I didn't bother filling the dishes up again because I figured they'd just fling 'em again, but I had some Timothy Hay (another "must" in the Divu diet) and I put that into a larger ceramic bowl on the top level of their cage (it has 3). Apparently this signals the beginning of WWE - Degu Style. They.Went.Off. There was fighting ... I mean knock 'em down, pound the shit outta each other, hair pulling, face slapping - fighting. They are not generally very vocal ... their noises are normally pretty faint ... not so much with the "war cry".

Holy CARP!!! I had to take it out (the bowl of hay). They mighta killed each other. I should point out that this is a mother and her two daughters ... should really ring true for me, but whoa!! They put us to shame.

Saturday evening, I ran out to the little farty grocery store that is in the teeny little township we live beside. We needed a couple of things and Degu seeds was one of 'em. I brought them home and cut open the bag ... and I felt a shift in the mood of the house. Suddenly, I sensed I may be in some sort of danger ... you know like in horror movies just before the dumb cheerleader gets hacked into bits? Yeah - like that...  'cept I am no cheerleader. I walk around the corner and Zsa Zsa, Eva and Magda are there ... perfectly still, staring me down. I swear, I'm waiting for the whole "I'm watchin' you" signal. I lift the top of the cage and reach in to get a dish... slowly ... as if to not startle the ladies. I sit the first bowl down and reach for the second ... Zsa Zsa approaches ... followed closely by the other two. I try to shoo them away, but my efforts are in vain. I get the second bowl filled and put it down ... and then they started again. I got the hell outta the cage.

After a bit, I realized they were not going to work it out on their own - so I enlisted the assistance of hubby. I tried to distract them while he reached into the bottom level of the cage to get the third bowl that had been flung to the bottom. At this point, my dog - a ninety odd pound Golden Doodle decided he wanted a piece of the action and was pouncing at the cage. He wound up knocking over the water dish and getting one of them wet. Now every time he walks by the cage she screams at him ... it's friggen hilarious. Hubby eventually got the dish filled and then we located the three of them on different levels and the skirmish was over ... for now.

What have we done???

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My First Car

I got this great idea from Mark over at The Screenplay. He was reminiscing about his first car ... er truck, in his case. It got me to thinking about my first putt putt. Ahhh the memories. My first car was a Renault Fuego.

Yup! That's my girl ... well a pretty reasonable facsimile thereof. My step dad had a thing for Renaults. Not really sure why. He owned several transmission shops and would often be seen driving Beemers and Jags and such ... in fact he owned two XJ12's ... but for some crazy reason, these Renaults captivated him somehow. They were insanely expensive to fix. Oy!! I remember the motor went in my wiper blades and the part it needed to fix the problem (not a new motor ... just a part for it) was over $1500.00 ... namely because it had to come straight from France and keep in mind, this was a lifetime away from the likes of ebay. We had a surplus of these crazy cars ... in all forms in our back driveway. Like I said ... he had a strange obsession. He collected them ... like model cars ... only bigger. I'd say they were parts cars, but he was so attached to them .. it was like he was committing an offense dismembering one.

I had worked for my mom & step dad for a summer ... minding their brats. This was my payment. My.Very.Own.Car. This was tantamount to growing wings out my arse and learning to fly ... sing it with me brothers and sisters FREEDOM!!! I was sweet sixteen and the world was my oyster. I can recall trips to Cape Breton to visit my cuz' and day trips with my beau ... and parking ... humph ... not on MY car seats, dude. I loved this car. Even when she finally failed me...

This thing was a tank! It would plow through snow like it was nobody's business. I wasn't afraid to drive in anything. Low to the ground, heavy as lead. Not really great on gas, but that was before you needed a mortgage to fill your tank and there was still time before we started caring about our carbon foot print... eesh ... I am starting to sound like ...duh duh dummm ... a growed-up. Yikes.

It was just before my birthday ... early November, I think. It would have been maybe 92 ... yeah - I'm pretty sure I turned 19 that year. I had been toying with the idea of buying a car. I was having trouble with the concept of a monthly payment ... but my girl was showing her age at this point. I had been driving for some time without signal lights, windshield wipers, high beams or heat. Recently (about 3 weeks prior) the breaks had gone. I was fairly adept at driving by using only the emergency hand break, but it was the break plus the hand signal combo that seemed to cause me some strife... and God help us if it is raining too ... my wipers were rigged up with a wire ... operated by my left hand. So, effectively I was short two full hands if it was raining, and I had to stop and steer. Plus, it was November ... and I had no heat either. And - I mean NO HEAT. It was frrrrigid in that puppy ... oh yeah, and my driver side window handle was also broken - therefore, I was obliged to keep it open - so that I could signal ... and operate my wipers. Wow! I can't believe my parents allowed me to drive such a death trap ... then again, I had a way of omitting details frequently as a young pup. It was the day that my radio stopped working that I had about had enough. Yup! No heat, no lights, no turn signals, no breaks ... no problem. No radio ... fughett-aboud-id.

 Instead of going home after work that night, I bought a car. A stunning 2 door, 2 tone blue (the colour of my eyes as the sales lizard said) Pontiac Grand Am. She was a beaut too, but I never forgot about my girl ... my red and black Fuego ... my freedom cry.

You know the drill ...

Well ... it is No Whining Wednesday once again.

I feel confident in the fact that somewhere, somebody is betting against me on this little venture.

It is a sumptuously fantabulous fall day outside today. The kind of day that takes your breath away, just driving to work in the morning. I drove my Bug to school today as she's going to start tripping on those eyelashes if I keep dragging her by them (to the bus stop) ... when she stepped out onto our covered deck and looked out across the water (we have a great view of the ocean), she took a deep breath in and filled up her little lungs. Normally, I would not have been paying close enough attention in my rush to get to work on time, but it is NWW and, that in mind ... I was smelling the proverbial roses. Ever so grateful I did...

She looked up at me and said "Oh Mommy! Fall smells sum good!!" (I am misting up just thinking about it.) It really does, though fall is a double edged blade for me ... but that is for another day.

She chattered happily in the back seat for the 10 minutes it took us to get to her school. She's such a little magpie (<-- the bird) when she wants to be. I had a dumb grin on my face the whole way to work... and that is pretty much where the whine-less post stops ... abruptly.

So, today my happy place is with my 6 year old - driving to school on a breath taking fall morning while she describes every beautiful thing she can see with the skill of a narrator.

Also ... my flu is finally starting to bug off ... that's good too.

Good luck to the rest of y'all.

Happy Wednesday!


Saturday, October 10, 2009

Humans and Bisitors and Americums ... Oh My

It has been an eventful day at the swamp ... ya know - home of the dragonfly family...

I'm still feeling the effects of this nasty flu-bug I seem to have contracted. I'm leaning toward the idea of poisoning it out of me with some good old fashioned rum. Ah ... Captain Morgan ... how do I love thee ... let me count the ways... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 976, 977, 978, 979 ...

This morning, I am sitting at my kitchen table, having a broken conversation around my little damsel flies with my mother. We are just shooting the shit and wasting the day. My eldest child is seated at her father's computer just outside the kitchen in the front hall ... but my shorty is missing, I realize. I stop ... engage my super mommy hearing ... dodidledooo (you have to hear it like an old spaghetti western) ...  and then I hear the sound of a balloon being blown up .... whooosh - deep breath in - whooosh - deep breath in ... etc. So my attention turns back to trying to figure out where I was in our conversation ... and then I catch shorty outta the corner of my eye. Something isn't quite right about that balloon. For starters, it is translucent ... and it is an odd shape ... NOOO!!! I look at my mom and say "I don't tink dats a balloon". Mom says, "well what could it be??" I give her 'the look' ... she says NOOO!!!

So I attempt to call shorty over to show me her balloon, but there are no flies on her, she knows full well whatever it is that she has, she is not supposed to have it... she proceeds to try to hide it behind her back. I get up and walk over to where she is standing ... pressed backward into her still seated older sister. I reach behind her and liberate the translucent 'balloon'. I lift it up, so my mom can see as I release a little of the air ... that's when the tell tale 'well' appears - standing like a triumphant nipple, erect in the cool breeze. My 4 year old is blowing up a condom. Fark. I delicately explain that this is not a good balloon to be putting her mouth on and I go and find her another, more appropriate (hell - even slightly less inappropriate) item to play with. Meanwhile, my twit of a mother says: "what?? it isn't going to hurt her, don't make her scream" ... I'm like "Uh, Mom ... SPERMICIDE???!!! And she's all: "What's that?" and I'm like ... "I dunno, but I don't want it in my kid's mouth!!!!"

Bee is less than impressed.

About 15 minutes later, I go into my bedroom to get prepared to take a shower. Something catches my eye on my bed ... it's a pair of scissors. Uh oh ... this can't be good. I walk around to my hubby's side of the bed and find 5 empty condom packets - all have apparently been cut open with scissors. sigh ... no nooky for mom this weekend... damn!.

Now, I will have to spend the rest of the weekend rounding up rogue condoms. I can just see this little shit hiding one of these things in her back pack, saved for the next show and tell day in front of her nursery school class. I can pretty much write the ensuing letter myself ...

Dear Mrs. Dragonfly;

Please be advised that we here at the Tiny Tots Nursery School feel it is inappropriate to send your four year old to school with a condom. We are submitting a request to Social Services to schedule a home visit where they will ascertain the environment in which you are raising your children.

Until such time as this visit takes place, please do not send your child with any further sexual paraphernalia or she will be expelled from our program and criminal charges may be persued against you.

Tiny Tots Nursery School

 ... oh crap - these two are gonna be fun teenagers.

My youngest is an interesting sort. I am fairly certain she is the spawn of an alien life form. Namely because she refers to "people" as "humans"... and we haven't a clue where she picked this up. For example, she was regaling her grandmother this morning with the story of "Thanksgiving". She's quite the raconteur, my Bee. I overheard bits and pieces, but the part that sticks out in my mind was how she explained "the Native Americums taught the other humans (Pilgrims) how to catch jicken and grow fruit" and then they had a big BIG feast ... and that's why we celebrate Thanksgibing. Her face and hand movements are so animated. The only thing she is missing is a microphone. She's like a mini Jerry Seinfeld ... or possibly even Kramer.

Another clue presented itself when we rented our "granny flat" out to a young couple. (We need the extra cash flow desperately. They are working out well. I wouldn't even know they are here except that my mom is in the house and my bedroom has changed floors.) Bee calls them - "The Bisitors" (that's baby damselfly for 'visitor' BTW). She is constantly asking to go and see the bisitors and their bunny... did the bisitors come home? Are the bisitors gonna have Thanksgiving with us?

Hence - we think it is possible that she may, indeed be from another planet and she simply hasn't picked up the applicable vernacular just yet.

I dunno what else I expected ... I mean she is the fruit of my loins - I had to know THAT wouldn't go well.


Open Mouth - Insert Foot to Knee

Well ... I am seriously sick. I am in that throbbing, aching, coughing, sneezing, hacking, snuffelupagus, misery ... that surprisingly does not love company. Though I actually found myself bored yesterday afternoon. Moreso tired of feeling shitty.

So after commenting on a blog last week, it got me to thinking ... I can say a lot about that power tool for whom I work, but the funny thing is what I get away with saying to him. I've come out with some doozies. Some intentionally and some simply because I let a little of my 'blonde' shine through.

Take two weeks ago ... Narci was in my office prattling on about how we need to be 'nice' to the various people we work with in the industry ~ little side bar ... apart from all my venting in this blog - I am pathetically sweet to people I want something from ... just ask my husband. I can charm people like they are my personal basket of snakes and have them dancing whatever tune I choose ... so for this ego-maniacal freak show to be giving me pointers on being nice is pretty rich. I mean - he still draws breath, doesn't he?? He thinks I like and respect him, doesn't he?? "... and the oscar for best performance in a work setting goes to Danica Dragonfly!!!" ..."It was an honour just being nominated ... I'd like to thank Narcissus - 'cause let's face it - he IS my God"  yeah - I threw up in my mouth a little too.. ~

So, I'm getting this little lecture/pep talk/brag session from B-Man-Narci and he says (all quiet like and out the side of his mouth like he's telling me this big assed secret that may make me an accomplice to some crime or another) "You know, I look at people like 'Joe' (the son of a come guzzeling coke whore I mentioned recently) and I worry that people might see me the way I see him" Nawww ... why would you think such a thing??? (I'm cackeling like a psychotic crow right now) "I mean - he's a cocky prick! and I know I can be a little cocky sometimes, but I hope people don't see me that way ..."

Okay, so inside my head, there is a fireworks display that would rival any 4th of July celebration going. I look at him (without hesitation) and I say: "No, you are nothing like him ... with him, it's like getting bashed in the face with a hammer ... with you, well ... people go weeks before they realize they've been fucked over by you." The words just came out. Obviously my brain did not have the required time to filter this into a more appropriate sentance to say to the man that signs my paycheque ...

True story. Ask Eyvi. I told her about it just after it happened. I was worried I had gone a little too far this time. He had left my office, all hurt and was muttering to himself like I had said he was ugly and his mother dressed him funny. Muttering, I tells ya. I hurt his feeling. (I left that singular for a reason) "What an awful thing to say to someone ... Jeeeessiss" I'm like all: "Aw COME ON!!! I meant that as a compliment, dude." But it was no use. The damage was done.

Whilst regaling Eyvi with my tale of woe, I was feeling kinda bad ... well - she laughed her ever lovin' ass off. She asked me how my knee cap tasted ... ha ha ha - very funny ... I'm worried over here.

This all took place the week before our last "chat". I wonder if that had anything to do with it?? Naw. His attention span is too short these days. Plus, I am certain he thinks I worship the ground on which he trods ... I'm pretty certain he thinks everyone does.

I mean he is "The Narcissus" after all.

I guess I had better go and take some new meds ... I'm starting to come down ... time to refuel.

Wish me better, damn it!!! I don't wanna be sick for turkey day.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Nothing ...

I hab a code in my node. Poor Danica ... what a sin... (I'm patting my own head)

A few things that have occured to me in the past day or so (and I'm thinking it's quite a co-inky-dink that this coincides with the onset of my cold symptoms and thus commencment of taking drugs for such) <-- did that make sense to anyone else?? Where was I? Oh yeah ... it has occured to me that there are cameras located throughout the office. One outside, one at the front desk. These are the ones I know about ...

To the very best of my knowledge, they have not been activated inside as yet ... but who really knows. He's the paranoid type, my boss - dunno WTF his problem is ... I'm just waiting for the sticky note on my desk that says:


Big Bro is watchin', man ...

Or my personal fav--->

I wonder if he can read my thoughts??? I think I should fashion a tin foil helment for my trips downstairs ... just in case... though if he could read my thoughts, he'd likely be visibly protective of his parts and apt to conceal various orifices with handy dandy duct tape ... so no - clearly, he mustn't be able to read me ...

Perhaps I will leave one of my 'post it's on his desk ... it'll go a little sumthin' like this:

Think that might get me some EI EI OOOO??? (For my American friends, that would be a Canadian's version of working for the government - except we call it "employment insurance" instead of "unemployment insurance" as it seemed more positive or some other such nonesense ... POGEY...)

Ahhh ... I took some night time sniffeling, coughing, constipated, snuffelupagus, I've fallen & I can't get up medicine ... look at the pretty lights ...

All I'm gonna say is this: Everyone better thank whatever diety they pray to that I gave up illicit drugs a long time ago ... 'cause this is my brain on cough syrup <--- that is a weird word ... S-y-r-u-p ...

Gonna go to bed with wet wool socks on and hopefully kick this nasty cold :) no, really - that is supposed to work. I'll let you know.

No Whining Wednesday

Hmmmmmmm ... I wonder if death threats are considered whining?

Okay - here goes...

Today, I am whine-less (meaning less of whine) because:

Narcissus is not in the office, thus the act of unclenching my ass cheeks has caused an over all feeling of good will and general peace.

my eldest offspring made it to the bus stop this morning on time and without being dragged by her eyelashes.

my youngest offspring is getting her very first class picture taken EVER today.

while commenting on my good buddy, Eyvi's blog ... some distant part of my once present intelligence called out in horror at my attempt to spell physically with an 'f'' even though it took my overly medicated bean several moments too long to figure out why.

I read scintillating blogs and the very thought that there is new fodder for satiating my gluttonous imagination renders me ripe with the promise of new thoughts and inspiration ... not to mention stark, green-eyed jealousy ... but only the good kind ... yeah ... the best.

one word ... thesaurus.

the raging snot-factory, phlegm faucet of a cold I am brewing has not yet sunken its claws into my flesh deep enough to cause total loss of my faculties ... stay tuned.

tomorrow is whine extra Thursday to make up for NWW...

So to y'all out there in cyberspace ... here's a shout out to all the bungled from the totally botched!!

Enjoy hump day.


Sunday, October 4, 2009

Cue Anvil

I knew if I was cocky enough to dare the universe, I'd lose.

Yesterday, I took my dog, Cooper and my cat, Chloe to the vet. Cooper was due for shots and had an ear infection and Chloe had injured her shoulder. I wish like hell I hadn't taken Chloe. Turned out the injury to her shoulder was, in fact a massive tumor. She had been previously diagnosed positive for feline lukemia. She must've had it when we got her as she had never been an outdoor cat.

For anyone who isn't familiar, feline lukemia is essentially kitty AIDS. It isn't catchy to humans and we never allowed her around other cats, so we opted to keep her so long as she remained healthy.

During the visit to the vet, Chloe was sedated in the hope of getting an x-ray. It didn't seem to knock her out enough so the vet was preparing to give her a full anestetic. After sitting in the exam room for a half hour while this miserable bitch of a vet saw to another patient, I decided to spare Chloe any further stress and to take her and go home. After all, she had been basically fine ... save a slight limp.

I paid my bill ... $178.00 for nothing except ear drops and a groggy cat. Cooper never got his shots as he threw up on the floor and we thought it best not to chance a reaction. My experience fresh on my mind, I cried the entire way home.

When we got home and I let Chloe out of her cage, she split. Wound up under our bed and didn't move much until late in the evening. She came out to have a bite to eat around midnight and was incredibly lovey (odd for her). We realized after a bit that she was unable to get down off the counter, so my hubby helped her. She ran to her litter box and after that, she disappeared.

I slept in this morning and didn't get up until well after 10 am. I got up and was hanging out with my family - planning our day when I heard an awful sound. My baby kitty was meowing ... in pain. By the time I found her, my husband had her up in his arms already. I knew immediately that this was not going to end well.

Things went from bad ... to worse ... to absolutely heartbreaking within such a short time it was horrifying.

My beautiful baby kitty died today. In my husband's arms because we couldn't get her medical help fast enough to ease her along. I am so profoundly sad.

My girls are devastated.

My husband is too.

Even Cooper knows that something awful happened here today.

I've never had to watch one of my animals die before. Especially not on their own. I've had to make that gut wrenching decision before, but my husband has been the one to handle the dirty deed. I am just too soft. So soft, it feels like I might just crumple in on myself.

I miss my girl and I feel so responsible for her expidited departure from our family. If only I had left her home - Friday she was fine.

My husband says it was likely a blessing that she went so fast. I can'y help but think she'd have continued to be okay for a while longer. I don't want to be selfish - I just feel so responsible.

My only solice is that she is at peace now.

We love you, Chloe Cat.

Friday, October 2, 2009

How I Met Your Father

Here's a story I may hesitate to tell my kids - or at least not in its truthful entirety. This is a story I don't readily offer in social settings. It's a strange tale of lust and crazy ... and quite possibly kismet ... all tied up together. I'll warn you - there are points to this anecdote that will make you shake your head in sheer embarrassment (for me) and others that may make you change your mind about me completely. I hope in the end, I have entertained someone. This is the story of how I met my hubby:

I used to work for a large financial institution ...  one February afternoon in 1996, a new business account client entered my branch. He proceeded to the counter provided to clients for getting their poop in a group prior to approaching the counter. Let me say that as a former teller - people who have an affinity for grouping their poop have a special place in my heart, so please don't let the following deter anyone from doing so.

I was basically alone in the department that afternoon. It was unusually quiet for that branch and most everyone had gone off to find a project. I was left to man the fort. I saw this joker in the corral. Thought to myself 'this guy's gonna be a problem - I can just tell'. I waited for the inevitable displeasure of serving yet another cranky ass, self important prick, and when he approached my wicket, I hit him with the most sugary sweet greeting I could muster - seriously ... dude likely got a cavity. I was so certain of my analysis of him, that when his response to me was anything but pricky - I was rendered nearly speechless. He told me - in a goofy sort of way that he was all flustered because 'the prettiest girl in the place was waiting on (him) and (he) was having trouble operating his hands'. I know - lame, wha'? I took the bait - hook line and sinker. It was like a flash flood, my iceberg melted that fast.

I had recently ended a five year common law relationship and though I was on the mend, I was still a train wreck (sorry for that blasphemous reference - Mark). Soon to be “Mr. Dragonfly” was a once per month client, though I often saw him out in the parking lot as the bank was in a strip-mall-appaloosa... and there was a Tim Hortons in it. (Only us Canadians are likely to know what this is ... imagine I said Star Bucks) I was a smoker in those days (... and a joker ... oh, hell - who am I kidding? I was a midnight toker too ...) and often spent my breaks in my car having a quick smoke. Now and again he would pop into my passenger side (not a euphemism) and have a smoke with me. We had a good rapport. He flirted like a lounge lizard, but somehow it was incredibly endearing on him. It stayed like this for nearly three years.

On St. Patrick’s Day 1999, something changed. I had talked to him many times before, I knew he had an ex wife and two sons that he was seldom allowed to see. I knew he was born and bred in Newfoundland and that his relationship with his family was strained due to his divorce. I knew what he did for a living and that he worked out like a maniac (that I could tell just by looking), but really at the end of the day I didn’t know much at all about how he was living then. I never asked. This day, however was the beginning of something that I didn’t expect and, for a long time, regretted a great deal. He walked into the branch as I was headed for the front desk. When he came in, I greeted him with my million dollar smile and said: “you know what?? I think you should take me out for a green beer after work today”. He stood there … going through his day timer, trying to reschedule his day so he might pencil me in. (I later learned he was simply buying some time to think of some way he could take me for a beer and not piss off his live in girlfriend – but I digress) After some thought, he decided that he could not accommodate that request on this day, but he was free Friday evening and would meet me in the parking lot at 6pm. Score! My take on this was that he actually wanted a real date instead of a quick beer, thus the Friday night suggestion … and then my mind went all kinds of places between nerves and indignation at the thought he might have it in his mind I’d put out on a first date … honestly – in hindsight such a waste of brain effort on my part.

Friday night came … and went. No sign of him. I waited for 20 minutes in the parking lot and left. Sad. Dejected. Embarrassed. Pissed. I got home (after stopping at the liquor store) and cracked a fresh bottle of Captain Morgan, turned on some tunes and proceeded to dull the sting. 

The next day, I felt compelled to figure out what had happened. I really didn’t want to spend my whole weekend feeling like crap, and the only hope I had for that was to get to the bottom of it. (After all – it was OBVIOUSLY a mistake – like he was in a terrible accident that rendered him unable to dial a phone or he had been abducted by cannibal aliens and was too busy marinading for Sunday dinner). So I looked him up in the book and called. I got an answering machine. The voice on it was female. I thought perhaps this was his office assistant, but just in case I left a message that could be construed as being of a ‘professional’ nature (no, not THAT kind of profession). I knew. I wanted to believe she was his assistant and he wasn’t a slimy piece of traitorous crap, but I knew. At least I didn’t feel so bad about me anymore. Dodged that bullet. (Ha!)

He called me Sunday. I missed it, because I was blaring Dave Matthews and cleaning my house. I didn’t realize I had a message from him until later in the day. His instructions were to give him a call ‘after such in such a time’ and ‘at his work number’. Yeah – I knew. But I called. I asked him flat out, and when he told me he was living with someone I asked why he would have agreed to go out with a woman he’d been flirting so hard with all this time? He turned it around and made it sound as though I was equivalent to a guy friend and that it must have been my own ‘take’ on the situation that led me to believe it was romantically based. (Bullshit!) This, folks was the first of MANY signs that I should have RUN AWAY. I told him I wasn’t interested in playing home wrecker and that I would see him around. He asked me if he could call me again. Why I didn’t say no, I will never understand. It was like someone else answered. I was not looking for a man. I was getting quasi steady booty call from my ‘friend with benefits’ – that was working for me. I didn’t need, nor even want the complication of a normal relationship – never mind this looney toon … but I said that he could call. And call, he did.

We pretended to be 'friends' for a while, but it was like he was daring me to try something with him. It's hard to explain, but it felt as though he was almost mocking me in a way. At the time, I thought he was just a bit of an asshole ... and I really can't explain the force that kept me talking to him. It really was as though another force was at play. At one point, it became a game. 

One night, he came to my home. It was after work, which for him was like 2:00am. It was a 'school night' ... meaning I had to work the next morning. I still can not (for the life of me) explain what drove me to behave in such a way. I can only compare it to when a cat goes into heat. Not that I was rubbing my chin along the floor with my arse in the air whilst meowing - but really, in hind sight it wasn't a great deal prettier. He came in and sat down on the couch ... we chatted for a bit, but seriously - what the hell kind of small talk is appropriate at 2 am? He looked at me at one point and said something along the lines of "you are thinking: Will he? and I am thinking: Will she?". Honestly ... the act of typing this out may make me go on my lunch break and file for divorce. What a tool. Sadly - it worked. Guess that doesn't say much for me, does it? I assaulted him, sexually. Just a kiss, but some heavy petting too. 

It wasn't long before he escaped - er ... left. I think I scared him a little. It's hard to have that same lack of perspective knowing him as well as I do now. Today, I can analyze the shit out of his behavior with sniper-esque precision ... but at the time, 'power tool' best described him. This was the beginning of my descent... and I hit some lows during this time. 

We continued playing cat & mouse for roughly 3 months. (I know!! For someone with the attention span of a gnat, I sure hung in there for him) The end of June rolled around and this one night - late, I get a call. "The call". It was him. He had been at a bachelor party and was in need of some assistance getting home. To be clear, he was within walking distance of where he lived and I lived in another town. Getting 'home' wasn't why he needed my help. I went anyway ... at 3 am, in my pooh bear nighty and a sweater ... yup, I did. Wound up picking up both him AND a friend. A guy with whom he worked. Okay ... this was odd. I drove the friend home ... to yet another part of the city - which involved crossing the harbour, and then back again. At this point, I am wondering what the 'ef' this guy is doing and the game is getting old. I ask him where he's going - his place or mine? He makes me choose. Literally I am approaching the "Y" in the road that will lead me either in the direction of my house (right) or his place (left). I went right. I figure at this point, I'm at minimum going to take advantage of his drunk ass.

Now, as a side bar I feel the need to point out a couple of things: Up to this point in my life, I have NEVER asked a guy out. Not one time. I have never chased a guy in any way, other than in a highly humourous manner, and not ever with the thought that I would even want to catch them. I have never had sex with a stranger, and I can count my number of partners on one hand and not repeat a finger. As my very dear friend used to say (when my angst over not being able to just go out and get laid would spill over everything we discussed) - "you are not the kind of girl that guys pick up and fuck ... you are the one they fall in love with." Nice sentiment, but I wanted some action at this stage and I think maybe I wanted to prove her wrong (a little).

So, we did the dirty deed. Whoopie doo. Technically, he was no longer with his woman as he had moved into another apartment (in the same building). Technically, he didn't cheat ... as he would point out again and again. Whatever. I had bigger fish to fry ... like, now what?? The experience was ... under whelming. I had acheived that ridiculous goal I had been chasing and was left ... well ... unfinished. At the time I thought perhaps that was derivitive of my physical experience, but as time passed, I realized it was much more sinister than that.

The next 4 months were similar in nature. He moved out 'officially' and determined he needed some time to himself before getting into another relationship - which really, was smart of him. The problem was that he wasn't okay with the possibilty of losing me ... not that he ever intimated that to me. I felt like a toy. I insisted that my heart was not involved, but it was - I just didn't realize it.

At this point in my life, I had quit my job and decided to go to trade school. (The first of a few life crisis' I have experienced) By October, his antics were getting old and tired. He would make plans with me and then not show ... or call. I had never been treated that way. It was hateful. This one night, he had said he would come and have dinner with me (he rather enjoyed my cooking). I made dinner - like the dumb ass that I was. No show ... no call. I was done. By the time I went to bed that night, I was mad enough to finish this bullshit. I was asleep when the phone rang. I awoke to my answering machine belting out his stupid voice. I got up just as he was hanging up. I listened to the message again ... no sorry, no explanation ... prickface! I called him back ... all I can say is this: I truly wish I had recorded that conversation. 

Have you ever had a situation that, once it passes you think of all of the things you should have said? Yeah - that didn't happen here. I said everything I should have said. He had borrowed a little money from me a few weeks prior and had not yet repaid me. In closing my conversation with him, I said: "oh and about that 20 bucks you owe me? Consider it payment for services rendered ... keep the change, but lose my phone number". SLAM (okay - imagine a slam ... it was a cordless - really tough to hang up angrily on a cordless)

And that was that. Done. Mental health prevails. Or so thought I.

It was Christmas day before I heard from him again. I had fallen at school and had aggrevated my herniated disk and also had walking pneumonia ... fantastic holiday. I was camped out on my couch watching movies when he called. I was nice. We talked for hours. (This was back when it was still acceptable to 'talk' to each other instead of texting) I heard from him again on New Year's Eve ... yes, I spent the bulk of the change of the millenium alone at home. My friends had tried to include me in their plans, but I was still so sick and could hardly walk ... so I opted out. He was working that night. Again ... we talked for hours. I took the entire night to drink a half glass of wine, wrote in my journal and went to bed after we hung up. One thing was clear, he and I were not quite finished yet.

My friends hated him. They saw the way he treated me and had voiced their opinions with vigor. I didn't have any interest in playing the same game again, so I opted for friendship. We tried that for a while.

On Valentine's Day in 2000, I had been told by a good pal of mine that someone from my past had been inquiering as to my current 'situation' as though he may be interested in looking me up. I was rather excited by this prospect as this guy was hot and yummy and I (at one point in my life had) harboured a huge crush on him. I told 'soon to be Mr.D' about this. I was excited! I was ready for a real boyfriend and I wanted to dish about it. I don't remember having an alterior motive. Truly I don't ... but anyone who knows this tale would swear I baited him. I didn't do it consciously. 

Since that day, there has never been another pass without my talking to him. From February 14th to April 15th (the day he moved into my house) we went from bud's to lovers, to common law spouses. I fell in love with him in about 37 seconds once I allowed myself to accept it. Once he allowed himself to try love again. 

We got engaged at Christmas 2001 were married in August 2002 ... and I gave birth to our first daughter in January 2003 ... our second March of 2005 - the day before St Paddy's Day... In fact, I reminded him the day I gave birth to her that it was 6 short years ago that I first asked him out. All he could do was smile and look at me with all the love and admiration a man should when gazing at the woman who just gave life to his child. We are the best of friends, partners in every way. I can not imagine my life without him.

I have not seen the man that I chased for most of 1999 since. That man was juevenile and stupid and selfish and I guess pretty darned scared of me, at the end of the day. The man that I fell in love with is kind and thoughtful and takes care of me like I am a priceless jewel. He always puts my needs ahead of his, even when I beg him to do things for himself. He is Uber Dad and our daughters worship him... and ya know what?? So does their mother.